Give Me Five...I'm Still Alive

Disclaimer:  A quick update -- formal blog entry to be up in about a week or so.  Please excuse this dull entry.  I just had many letters wondering my status so I took a few minutes to type the following.  This is a no-frills entry...I will have a more concrete, rich entry up very shortly as I stated  ---- 

I have a responsibility to keep all updated on my progress since I started this blog.  The truth of the matter is that I have not been very motivated.   So I spent the past year overseas and just in November, I returned back to the USA to live with my parents.  Oh great, mom and dad have their kid back.  I feel like an asshole because I get annoyed with them but they are truly loving parents and I have put them through shit.

I detoxed off of suboxone using poppy pod tea and I was good until September.  I then found morphine and started to shoot up for a while.  I had a great opportunity in Europe but I screwed that up.  A shame really, all that hard work gone in a matter of weeks.  I came back to the states in a familiar state.  Broken, ashamed, lifeless, loveless, and wanting to end it all.  I am just sick of this cycle.

As soon as I returned home, my parents kept me on full lockdown.  I still managed to be in a new city and state I never lived in and somehow, I got heroin delivered to my parents home.  Really, where there is a will there is a way.  If I want drugs, I can score.  Not anything to be proud of.

My parents insisted I get back on subs and I caved in.  The truth is I am scared to be on them long term but the doctor I see now has explained to me that he was an addict who a decade of clean time.  Suboxone helped him back then and now he is helping other addicts.

Believe me, if suboxone got me high or happy, I would never have stopped taking it.  I stopped taking it because I don't want to be chained to any meds, but at this point, I am relapsing heavy and I could die.

My plan now is to be on subs for about 2/3 months and then kick for good.  I have obtained a job which I work 6 days a week, long hours.  That keeps me sober and not thinking about drugs.  I have only been on subs about 3 weeks, new job 2 weeks.

I am so against sub but if it is keeping me sober and I obviously cannot do it by myself, then why should I not chose the lesser of two evils?

Heroin addiction odds are stacked against the user.  But I don't plan to be on the losing side.  Its a humble struggle but one that can be overcome.  I have done it before.  Anyone can kick dope.  Staying off of dope separates the mice from men.  God bless and please keep your questions coming, both private and public.  I love to answer anything on your mind.

Love, Lies, and the Crawling Maggot Herein

I recently had this as a suggested as a topic to cover and its very interesting to discuss it, mostly because its uncomfortable.  I was able to systematically destroy every single relationship I had.  From my place of work, to my university where I was studying in graduate school, to my childhood friends, to girlfriends, the outer circle of my family, and finally the inner circle of my family.

My mind is hazy in regards to when I went from a drug user to a drug addict, but I pin it around 2008.  I realized that the first time I was dope sick, that something is not right here, but I could still stop then, albeit I was sick for a couple days…nothing near what a cold turkey detox would be, and I would have enough of those coming up, thank you.

I love the line from the health ledger movie “candy”…about a couple in the throws of heroin addiction.  “When you can stop, you don’t want to…when you want to stop, you can’t”.

Yes this exactly.  Going through the pain of stopping is not just being physically sick.  To be honest with you, I’m used to the first week of what a cold turkey detox brings.  I was never one to throw up, but diarrhea…stomach cramps, extreme fatigue that i can’t even put to words, foul smell from my body, foul smell from my mouth…my bones felt like pieces of coal on fire…getting literally no sleep for days on end, wondering if I would die or hallucinate from a lack of sleep, no appetite, except for a candy bar and coca cola.  Thats about it.  Thats the easy part.  The rough part?  The anxiety, the heavy hand of depression, a cloud so dark that death is an acceptable solution.  Since I have gone through this before, after 30 days, I felt about 50% better, then 10% each month thereafter.  

A friend of mine told me that it takes about 1 to 2 years for the obsession to use to fade away to a tiny light, but its a light that can always be ignited if I take the wrong step.

I can say for now, I have no obsession to use.  The drug dreams are annoying, because its not real.  Do I want to use?  Of course I do.  Going to night life places suck, because I need drugs to have a good time.  Addiction is the titanic on the ocean, there is no such thing as an instant 180…the ship slowly turns, and with it, people addicted to any substance can take small steps.  Exercising, eating right, avoiding triggers that make you use, avoiding friends you used to have, or places you use to go…introducing new hobbies, traveling the world, volunteering, gardening, music….I take things slowly now and I’m in a much better state than a couple of months ago.  I learned acceptance.  Shit happened.  Anyone can kick a heroin habit, I know from experience that I can and many people I met can.  But staying clean, well thats the money shot.  The longest string of sobriety I have put together is 6 or 7 months.  Right now, I am about a month “clean” from suboxone.  I couldn’t just stop suboxone, because going one day without it, I was feeling horrible, as equal to kicking dope cold turkey.  I started on 8mg and got down to .02 and .02 I still felt terrible.  I wanted to write about how I did but had second thoughts.  I know I will be judged from it but fuck it, maybe it will help someone addicted to suboxone or methadone.  Those two are like getting pine tar on your fingers but replace pine tar with opiods and fingers with your brain receptors.  The detox doesn’t even start until a day or two and it lasts much longer.  I still advocate suboxone, but for a short term use.  Four days to 2 weeks, maximum.  Methadone, 4 days max.  Anything longer and there will be a price to pay.

Anyway, how I did it and how it worked for ME is that I am in a country that poppy pods are legal.  Since the suboxone withdrawal is about 2 to 4 weeks, I stopped suboxone and drank this tea, which is pretty much natural morphine and then I weaned off of that.  It was a very light withdrawal…so light, then I thought that this was too easy.

I don’t know why poppy pod is not legal.  Could it be because big pharma wants it illegal?  I just know that my whole life, I was strung on dope or hooked on sub, but I was broken free thanks to poppy pods.  Granted, you can get addicted to that to and I’m sure I was, but after that month, I stopped and I was back to myself.

Days now are okay, there is heavy feeling of fatigue and depression, but its in waves. I know easily that I can cure this, but my solutions have never worked before, how could it work now?  I’m going to try to stay clean and see how life is.

Sometimes I wonder if all the dishonestly and bad karma I had accumulated would be so overwhelming that I could never be a whole person again, that I would always be a shady addict fuck waiting for the day to relapse and waiting to hurt the ones I love again.

I don’t want to scare anyone from using those substitutes.  Because this past year, I have stayed straight because of suboxone and got my life together.  People do the same with methadone.  I think when you have relapsed so many times and death’s hand is tugging your shirt closer to him, then yes, substitution is a MUST!  People have successful, happy lives on substitution.   If I relapsed again, I probably will die.  I’ve had enough cold turkey detoxes, and no one I know on planet earth has had a successful heroin habit.  I had days where I thought, how can I be successful and still use the only drug that has every made me feel pure, happy, motivated, and serene?  I calculated that I would need about $380 a week.  Stupid thoughts…instead of thinking about giving back to the community, helping people, getting a career that is worth something, having a life that is worth remembering, I’m fantasying about using dope again.  I have to stay in today.  I don’t want to think of my entire life with it, because its to much.  All I have to do is stay good today, and thats it.

In terms of relationships, I could never get involved with someone who was using…maybe if they drank or smoked pot occasionally, yes I could, but definitely not doing blow or harder things.  Since I seen a lot of people who were users, I got to scope out a lot of scenarios.  A few of them was a sober person living with a drug addict.  The sober person always thought they could “save” the addict…100% of the time, and this is no bullshit, but 100% of the time, the addict takes down the sober person.  Love is no love when it comes to drugs.  You can never love a person who is an addict because they love something more than you…that is the cold truth.  I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it and I know it will never and has never worked.

The worst thing that happened to me was that the people I cared for told me to fuck off.  If they didn’t, I would have taken them down.  I cursed them out and wished them harm but now that I got a clear head, I see how they were right and they were saving themselves but also sending me a clear message.  

Just to repeat, if you are involved with a drug user, you cannot help them.  They can help themselves.  The best thing to do is help them get into a detox, if they want to.  Never for you or for family, but they do it for themselves….give yourself distance and let things happen.  If its meant to be, universe will work things out for you…but when you have a cancer, you cut it off.  Drug addicts are cancerous people, vile creatures of filth…I was one and I can be one with one bad decision.  

No Worries - Keep Living - Keep Loving

I Dreamed Of Your Love And It Hurt 

Drug dreams are terrible.  Imagine starting your day after waking up with your heart beating out of your chest.  In my dream, I was working at a factory that was delivering shoe boxes of heroin and on a particular delivery, there was some left overs and the boss let me take some home.  Because of the way dreams bleed into other atmospheres, I was then in a parking lot where a man driving had stopped and asked me directions to get somewhere.  He had just won a lot of money at a casino and he wanted to get home, but take the local way.  I then gave him directions to get to where he had to.  Then in the final part of my dream, I was in my parents house getting some money to go use.  

One barrier I have for recovery is that I cannot seem to be in the moment when I am clear headed.  I just do not have any steam in my engine.  I've heard heroin got its name because it makes you a super powered version of yourself, a hero actually.  A hero within...not sure where I heard that but I guess its true.  I just want to use in order to function.   I don't want to nod out into the couch or become disconnected from the world, I just want to do enough where it gives me that boost to do what needs to be done in life.  I am relentlessly searching to see how people are successful addicts but I don't seem to have any luck.  I know that there are people on this earth who will live a long life, be productive and have an addiction, I just think I can be that person.  I don't want to be that person but I also want to.  I am not sure what I want.  I want the pleasure that the drug brings you minus the pain it brings you.  I'm so convinced that I could get it right this time if I had another chance, but I've been through this before, I know what the outcome will be.

I just have to change my fantasy of using and not dwelling on it.   I'm a fucking idiot, watching documentaries on heroin or going to subreddits on opiates are just gigantic triggers.  What a fool I am to think I can watch something horrible to help with my recovery.  This is how fucked up it is, I can see the homelessness and misery of each addict in these documentaries, and all I think is how dreamy it would be to plunge and push some pleasure into my body.  God, how long will this misery go on?

My GPS Location, Recovery Wise Post-Date Rape

I am almost off my sub, I have a few days to go before I'm completely off of it, then the withdrawals from that will hit me.  I will have a week to myself to get through it.  I know I can.  Once you been through a cold turkey withdrawal, anything in life is fuckin possible.  If you gave me the choice to jump in an ocean in winter or leap from one building to the next with no safety net or have someone drill screws or hammer nails on my body, I would do all that rather than go through a cold turkey withdrawal.  Fuck, its funny how the people in my life who think quitting is so easy never will know (and I hope to god they never know) how it feels to crawl back to the side of sobriety.

In about 2 months, I will be back in the states and I will be all alone, no support, living on my own.  That is something I fear big time.  I know I have to keep myself busy and pray to the universe I land a career job and then a part time job.  I rather work 7 days a week and only sleep for the first year or two coming up than to have any free time.  

Of course, one can say just go on maintenance like methadone or suboxone for life.  Yes, that works for some but I don't want to have anything in my body like that anymore.  I could use suboxone for life and then take heroin holidays, like every weekend, and never get sick or become full blown junkie but I feel that something is not right about that.  I believe in drug experimentation and bending the mind and going into the cosmos, but I chose the wrong tools.  Coke, crack, heroin....these are not spiritual seeking or rewarding drugs.  Just the contrary, they tap into your reptilian core to make you a horrible selfish animal.  During my hay day, there was no limit to what I would do to score.  I did everything but prostitution, which I think I would have maybe...and I stress big maybe, considered but I have intimacy issues so forget that.  I don't like even being touched at times but that is a story I'll save for the therapists office.  Doing dope raped the innocence and spirituality from my body.  Thats why I find it so hard now to have faith in the universe or to believe in the spiritual light of life.  I guess it will take time to get there again.   Doing dope will only take me a step back at this point.  Fuck that.  I should take up boxing or something, I need to have my drug use personified so I can beat the shit out of it.

Right now, my wellbutrin script is almost done and I won't refill it.  My suboxone will be done.  The only thing I will continue to use is 5-htp.  Really, its a miracle this exists.  I'm keeping myself busy by reading and working on some resumes.  I am trying to stay out of my head as much as possible.  Life is perfect, beautiful, hopeful and I am so lucky and loved...I just wished I realized this more than not...I just wish I could be connected again.   Moving forward I go, whether I am kicking and screaming, but I am moving forward.  No more can I drift to thoughts of using or thinking about ways to be a functioning addict.


Bright Sun

I'm going to be going to my first withdrawal experience from suboxone so the next week should be fun...I'm going to stay positive and even though I may not feel like doing anything, I will force myself to exercise and move my body.  No more of this laying around bullshit.  Its time to see what this world looks like...its time to be whole again.

Old Behaviors

 

I daydreamed today about old behaviors I often exhibited in the public setting.  I still find it perplexing how I could think that I was fooling everyone regarding the nature of my addiction, but I was an open book apparently.


  



Growing up, I was always an attention-seeker.  I prided myself as being a clown, amusing others to get some sense of satisfaction in terms of being liked and wanted.  Drawing back to the years I was coming of age, I had a typical family life.  Both parents that worked day and night so their children could benefit from a life of having their needs met.



On a side note:  There are some members of my family that piss me off. In particular, I have one such family member who speaks down to me because I am not modeling my life after hers.  She is not exactly my blood family, but I have known her for a some time.  What I find funny is that she claims to live a life of peace, love, and harmony, but then when it comes to compromising, it does not happen.  Its very stressful to be in her presence. If something happens that is not in junction with what she wants, she pouts, makes a scene and then gets silent like a child that didn't get her way.  She needs to get treated like a princess and always have her voice be the final authority on any matters at hand.  I find it embarrassing to be around her when she gets like that.  She really absorbs all the joy of that moment and guillotines it. This makes me angry too and I don't want to go there.  




Getting angry makes me feel like I have taken a step back in my recovery since I'm also working on anger and fear in life. Once upon a time, I used to bring friends together so that new networks can birth through an introduction, but then she gets very selfish and theatrical with her personality.  If something happens that is not her idea or her way, you can feel the contempt is her presence.  The worst is that she cannot see how contradictory she is.   Arguing is futile because she is extremely passive-aggressive.  I avoid her for the most part now and have minimal contact with her.  She has had enough chances.  Its not productive to be with someone who can emotionally drain you.    

Its a shame, because she has known my family for so long, but does that mean that certain people get a pass at stunting our growth?  If I'm trying to change my life and improve it, do I really need someone that cause me to fume madness and stir uneasiness in me?  Its exhausting to deal with a person that require all this maintenance.  Its like walking on eggshells, and I do not want to burden my mind anymore with this.  There are others out there that are aligned my philosophy on life, and those are who my time will be going to now.




Back to recalling the days I was using.  There is something that is very comforting when it comes to using opiates.   A true warm blanket that protects me from the cold winds of life.  I breathe comfort in any situation I have when I use.  Its a panacea for all that ails me.  It gives me a sense of power, protection, peace, and happiness.   The times I would use in a public setting, I was loud and behaving weirdly.  Making animal noises and jumping up and down like a baboon was something that was a trademark for me.  I take off my shirt and expose my top to complete strangers...I scratch all parts of my body in an overt way...there is no being low-key to what I did.  If I had to scratch under my belt or my butt, I went to town.  Now I understand why I was single for the most part.



When I did go on a date, I would make many bathroom trips to snort coke and H.  Its a delicate balance when you mix those two.  First of all, its lethal.  Second of all, you want to make sure its perfect so there is a nice balance of weaving through the roller coaster of being hyper and being dopey.  At one point, writing this would trigger me but no longer.  Its disgusting and frightening the way I conducted myself.  Others have died doing less than I have.  I've had a handful of friends die, severe consequences in my personal life, interventions by loved ones, but nothing would get me to get sober.  I had to reach this point myself where I wanted this, where I wanted to better my life for me, not for anyone and not because of any circumstance.  Either I would get to this point or I would die.   For now, I have eased the flame and am no longer living at the boiling point. 

Addiction is like an invisible net hanging over my soul.  Once I flare up the pilot light and begin to participate in the drug-seeking and taking behavior, then the net will fall on me and paralyze my growth...jeopardize my life...bring to a halt all the progress I was making.




There were times I was at parties and I would hop all around, dancing like a clown, making sure all eyes were on me and that I was the center of attention.  It made me feel good that I was the star of the show.   I guess not much has changed since high school.



I do not want that kind of attention any longer.  I've reached a point where I will be my honest self and who I attract and don't attract will be based on the honesty of my character.  No more manipulating situations to make myself better than I am.  I am also indifferent to being liked or not.  I am mellowing with age.  I used to be a triple expresso and now I am chamomile tea.



If I think briefly on why I need attention, I come up with the idea that I need to be wanted and love, since I have had that missing in my life or at least have this perception.  In truth, I don't.  I have people that care about me and would do anything for me, even today.  I just fell in the trap of being a victim, blaming the universe for my luck, holding contempt and anger in my heart, being selfish and cutting corners to better my own personal situation.



These behavior left me very empty.  Today, I'm molding myself with the ingredients of honesty, helping others even though it does get annoying at times, being available to anyone who needs to speak to me or needs help with anything, making phone calls to people that I need to speak to on a regular basis, and so on.  I'm trying to strengthen my spiritual foundation so I can replace the void I used to feel with the sense of the bigger picture.  For me, the life that has unfolded has shown me what true happiness is and what is possible.  If money, love, drugs, and what not is what happiness is, then do it.  Everyone will have their own idea.  My life is a simple plan.  Do good, Be good, Help Others, Be honest and honor words, live spiritually, be kind, speak kindly, find a purpose, do what you want without the judgement of what others say, and then life begins to open up, in all its multi-dimensional glory.

Back to another cooking analogy.  I can have all the tools I need to aid me in the pursuit of revolutionizing and rehabilitating my life.  These are the ingredients.  Just because I have the ingredients doesn't necessarily mean that the dish will make itself or come out perfect.  This will require action on my part, careful attention to detail to make the right combinations, portions, and balance to the mixture.  Too much of this or too little of that will effect the end result.  Too salty, too sweet, too bitter will not give a satisfying dish. As is my recovery, I have to be aware and mindful of my progress and how I am going about achieving in the end goal, which for me, is a life emotionally stable and drug free.  If I cut corners one day, this will effect the stability of my mind-body spirit. I need to bring together my ingredients (the tools of my recovery) and work on an end-product which will render a dish that is nourishing to my soul.  

Time to start cooking....

Face Life Consequences You Little Bitch and Change Your Diaper Frequently

"You are free and that is why

you are lost" -F.K.

Why Are Things Not Getting Better?

I'm trying to believe that by doing the next right thing, good circumstances will come round my way.  For example, as I am broke and essentially living day to day, I'm going to need a roof over my head and a job.  I get nervous about this because I haven't worked in a couple of years and I have bad credit due to living life as an addict for sometime.  The concerns that swirl around my head are the following:

• How can I afford rent if I have no job?
• How can I make a contract if I have bad credit?
• How will I get a job if I have bad credit that could hinder my chances of obtaining a job?
• Why is it so hard to get a second chance in the professional world if I'm trying hard to be good, do good, and live good?
• I don't expect to be rewarded for living and being right, but why can't the universe cut me a break?
• Am I being a whiny bitch about my life circumstance?
• Am I expecting something I shouldn't be?
• Am I really asking for that much?

It seems that I can't rely on anything anymore.  I was supposed to get some help transitioning back into the real world by having a low-rent apartment for the first couple of months when I return back to the tri-state area.  Instead, I was told that this is no longer happening.  It will be a tense few months because I have to first find a job to make some immediate money so I can have a roof over my head and food.  Second, I have to find a career suited for my degree that I went to school and spent so much money on.

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed by life?  Why are other people able to have luck and circumstance go their way but I cannot get the same?  I should be thankful that I have had this experience of recovery and have been able to live in Europe for this time.  I am grateful but I also have to concern myself about the future. 

I can easily get into negative thinking by going over all the wrongs I have to right.  I have so much to do and I feel that the tasks I'm putting before me will take so long to get accomplished.  I'm already behind vs. where my other contemporaries are in life.  People my age have families and good jobs, and I have to worry about renting some shit hole so I can get a shitty job in order to live shitty for the next few months or however long I have to before I start to dig out of the financial hole I got myself into.  How can I stay positive through all this? No wonder I love drugs so much, if I was the old me, I would just bang one up and be done with it.  Now I have to face the reality of life and understand that the consequences I have now are all creations of my actions.  I have to push through this shitty part that is coming up to make it through the other side.  I speak about having faith and staying positive but I can't take my own advice.  I feel negative, dark, and defeated already.  



I wish I could snap out of this.  I wish money was not a problem, I wish I am not plagued by depression and a loss of identity and purpose.  I wish I was anyone but me.  I don't mean that but I just want to have something to look forward to again, I want some clarity in my life.  I want something to look forward to and not some bleak uncertain future.  My life was muddy and all I want is to snap my fingers and have life be good again.  Unfortunately, life is not fair and I have to struggle for sometime before things work out for the better.  I just wish I didn't have to, but I must do what I must do in order to break through what I've been stuck into.

I doubt that I'm the only one who thinks about these things when adjusting back into the real world.  What I am going through is what anyone who has lost it all goes through.  I can be sure that all (or most) addicts or people in recovery have to face the same song I face.  This is a big hurdle to jump from because these are one of the points where one can stumble back into drug use.  I can rationalize how I am the victim, AGAIN, and that I'd be better off booting some of that sweet brown sugar and sinking into my bed, reading my favorite book, watching my favorite show, talking gibberish and singing out loud to myself, making a fool of myself in public, acting like a clown in my own circus show, where I am the freak headmaster and my imaginary buddies are my bozo's who I talk to.  



Yes, I am crazy but I love that about me and I don't care.  This is another challenge and I'm going to bang it out and stay sober through it.  Fuck it, I can always get strung out again if shit doesn't work out, but I HAVE TO MAKE AN EFFORT!!!!!  Before I die and become an addict again, I'm going to work my ass off to try to better my life and its circumstance.

I also have to give off the right kind of energy.  I believe in the law of attraction.  If I think dark and negative, all that will come my way.  Of course its a tremendous challenge to change my way of thinking when I have been comforted by the fact that I am a victim of circumstance and that people should boo hoo my pathetic sad life.  If I lie and say things will be good when my energy is saying that I know things will be bad again, then I have already lost.  This is the leap of faith again.  


I have to say it and believe it that things will go good as long as I keep going the route I'm going through, being honest, speaking to others, reaching out to people that care about me and will give me guidance.  Until I wholeheartedly believe that by doing the right actions, things will turn out better, then things will not.  I'm jumping into the unknown with confidence under my belt and a fuck it attitude.  

Anyone who survives addiction and is in recovery is a warrior and you have to be in order to get through what life is going to throw at us.  This is the easy part.  Gear up, suit up, and get ready....this is only the beginning.  Have hope and love in your heart and have faith that things will be alright.  That's what I am saying...I hope that is what I'm believing in too.....  

Listen to this funky reggae jam and chill....




Why Do We Want Things We Can't Have?


Nostalgia is like a bear-trap for my soul.  I'm paralyzed from it.  In order for me to be my best self, I have to avoid getting in situations that jeopardize my self-esteem and my perspective on things.  I will elaborate on facebook again.  All facebook does it make me feel bad for the life I could have been living.  I see the different groups of friends I was once a part of and realize that my space is vacant in their lives.  I see old girlfriends I let go because we're weren't meant for each other and then, because I get lonely at times, I fool myself into believing that I made the wrong decision and that they were true partner that I gave up.  Facebook is a constant reminder of all I am lacking in my life...a great social life, success in business life, personal life, and so on.

I think its important to not let emotions control and manipulate reality.  I have to have faith and have confidence that the decisions I made in the moment, were true and good.  Of course, when you lack something you wish you had, it clouds your present day judgement and casts doubt on the conclusion you had reached then but you regret now.  For me, a confident person is someone who doesn't dwell on decisions they had made.  Once you make a decision, you follow through with it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but will I go through life analyzing all the wrong decisions I made?  Then my life will be all in shambles.  I will live in the relics of the past.



Though this is common, do not do it.  Its a trap set up by the mind.  My goal is to let emotions happen, but like the river that flows through life, I shall let all these excess thoughts, feelings and wants, travel downstream.  Nothing is constant but change.  What I feel now, I will not feel later, or vice versa.   How crazy is it?  When we have things in our lives, we don't want them anymore and feel they have no relevance to us.  Then when we think about what we gave up, we then start to doubt it all again and wonder if we were wrong?  Well maybe things could have worked out?  Maybe I should have done this?  Or been with that?   Or said yes to this and no to that?  



There is no wrong or right answer I think.  Ever choice we make is like a gust of wind to our sail navigating us through the ocean of life.  It is not right or wrong because it is still pushing us towards a direction.  What is truly the goal in any of the things we do?   Happiness?  Wealth?  Purpose?  My life today is because of the construction I put into it yesterday.  But my I'm building and what I'm setting structure to, will always be changing.  I will forever be in construction and I will never be satisfied with things.  Its a bad habit to feel like I am lonely and unique in the world and that no one gets me, but isn't that putting other people down? 





I'm sure, everyone wants a quality life, but I think what separates successful people from those who aren't is confidence and faith.  The common person doesn't dwell on everything. People like myself, get labeled as thinkers, lost in the space of our mind, unable to relate to anyone because we are too much of an introvert and too caught up in the trappings of past/future thinking.  This makes us waste what we have today, because right now, today, is the only thing I have to work with.  I can't let the frequency of what I am and what I am planning on doing/being become contaminated by my toxic thinking.




I compare myself to how great everyone in my network has attacked life and superimpose it on the shit that is my life.  They say do not compare yourself to people.  Why not?  I have to face the fact that I had all this potential and I took a shit on it.  If I was doing what I was doing before drug use, who knows where I could have been?  



Now I am not jealous of my friends, truly I am not, but, getting to know myself more, I realize that I enjoy self-pity.  I like to be miserable just to have an excuse to feel the way I do.  That usually leads to a justification to use drugs but I stop it before it gets there now.  Its a terrible feeling to know that you have lost relevance to the people you surrounded yourself with.  I might as well have been born a new person because everything I do now has to be fresh.  I could try to salvage old friendships but there will always be a bitterness to it.



I stumbled upon an old email I had sent to a friend.  If you do not remember things you said or did, did they ever happen and was that you?  How authentic do my words and actions have to be in order for them to be true to my intentions?  I read what I sent her and I don't remember writing this, but it had clarity in terms of how I felt and what I was going through.  My friend asked me how my recovery was going.  She tried to encourage me by saying how we all search for things that give meaning to the meaningless.  I include it today because it really illustrates how I was caught in the middle of two worlds and the decision of having to choose which world I was going to be a part of.

hey [blank name], thank you for reaching out. i know this search that you speak of - for myself, I always had an idea of what the future would be like when I was younger - as I got older and my dreams met reality, i was throughly disappointed - i found comfort in something else - the paradox is that it made me feel great emotionally and I was at the top of my game is all categories, at first at least...but then it slowly started to burn away parts of my soul until i ended up charred and cancerous to anything I touched or was involved in - the decay that went on inside me was so dark and decadent, i really thought suicide would be the best option, because the pain was unbearable. seriously, day after day, month after month, year after year, how much can a person take before they ask for a reprieve of this insanity that shreds away everything that is good and filled with light around us?
...
I want to stay in the hemisphere of nurturance and growth. i guess my desire to do so indicates my need for evolving onto the next stage of my life. once in awhile, i look into peoples eyes and I see peace and contentment, and I say “i want that” - for people like me, the search and understanding is a bit harder, but i think the payoff is more satisfying as well- i always wanted to keep in my inferiority, my weaknesses, my fears…i wanted to show the world the better version of myself and hide the truth, because who wants to be defective? but…i don’t know, enough is enough, and usually by sharing something, it gives it the opportunity to vacate mind space so that something positive and healing can replace it - i do not know if I will ever give up the search for meaning in this sometimes absurd theater called life, but staying present helps and when thoughts start to drift, I recognize I have to reel it back in before my hook catches another nasty fish, something that may swallow me whole - having a good network of people has also been a life saver, literally.

Birds of A Feather

I don't know if this is happening to me because I am becoming more clear headed or if its the fact that I'm get older.  Its not anything profound to say that as we age, we fine-tune ourselves regarding our likes and dislikes.  In my 20's, I was quite tolerable of many situations and scenarios that if were played in the present day, would be annoying and anxiety causing.  At one point, I did not care about the type of crowd I associated with.  I thought that everyone deserves a chance and that its stupid to judge people.  I was more of an idealists wanting to travel the world on a backpack and curse the existence of having a career, which I believed was what people who gave up on the adventure and spontaneity of life did.  I did not want to be lame like that.  I wanted my life to be more than a 9-5.



Experience has showed me that trusting and investing time in the wrong people does damage to my personal growth.  Perhaps its a lesson that I'm still trying to learn.  Just this past week, I was helping a friend move and I happen to come across a pedestrian asking me for a cigarette.  Of course, its not a problem, I let loose a clip and went back to work.  The next day, as I was still helping with the move again, I bump into this dude...again.  He lives in the neighborhood so its not that shocking.  He asks me for another cigarette and I oblige.  Now, I'm the type of person that can get along with anyone and also hang out with anyone.  



Once upon a time, I thought it was the coolest thing to hang out with people who are odd in their behavior.  It seemed refreshing and that I was going against the crowd.   I want to make it clear that I still enjoy hanging with different kind of folks, but I look for a central theme in them regarding their philosophy on life, their morals, and the code of conduct they live by.  I want to associate with people who's are somewhat aligned with the way I view and contribute to life.   I definitely discriminate the people I want around me.

So anyway, I was bullshitting with this guy.  He was a heavy-set Indian dude with glasses and a had a light mustache.  He thought I was cool so he asked for my number and said we could hang out one day.  I said why the hell not and I gave it to him.  Talking to him, my instincts were telling me something was off with this character but I couldn't place a reason as to why I thought this way.  A few days later I get a text asking to hang.  I said no, not today.  End of story.  A couple of days later, another text.  It just so happened that I was busy and distracted to reach out to him at that moment, so I had just ignored it.  Then he called me late at night that same day.  I'm working on my intuition and something was pulling me towards the judgment of not wanting to associate with this character any longer.  


He tried to call me again the next day and I ignored, again.  (Ignoring feature on a cell-phone is the greatest gift to people with low-self esteem..you feel so god-like deciding the fate of that potential call).  So after I ignored the call, I get a call the next day or so from a private number.  I picked up and it was him.  I immediately hung up.  I then start to get a set of bizarre texts.  "Whats up with you?"  I got a few more that I can't remember but these were texts you send to someone you know for a while, not someone you just met.  I then get a text calling me a "Retard"....I then knew that this person was a buffoon and I should never have given him my number.  He periodically texts me every other day or so, acting as if I am responding, but I'm not.  



Why do I attract these morons to me?  Here I am, trying to live a wholesome life, giving people a chance, and trying to be someone who helps someone in need.  My problem is I have always directed that to people that don't deserve it.  Either they are morally corrupt, strange to the point of being uncomfortable, crude, violent, or uneducated.  Not sure why I'm giving off the vibe that says "Hey, if you have shit for brains, lets grab coffee and smoke a doob."  NO MORE OF THIS.  I have to be a better discriminator as to who I'm trying to associate with.

How You Can Help Me ~ Thank You and Suggestions

If you have any topic or issues central to the theme of "Life Beyond Heroin" that you would like me to discuss or elaborate on, please advise me.  Let me know if what you read helps or if there are areas that need improvement.






I don't promote this blog too much, I just figure if its decent, then it will generate followers naturally and people will recommend it to their network.  I know time is valuable and you can read anything out there, thank you for giving me a venue to express myself to the greater audience out there.  If you like what you read, please pass it on.





Thank you for all the positive feedback I have been receiving.  I hope this continues to help others or at the very least, is entertaining as you get a glimpse of my life as I attempt to live it devoid of dark matter.  

Realizations and Expectations

Reflections

"I'll start this off with not any words,

I got so high, I scratched 'till I bled.  I love myself better than you.  I know its wrong, but what shall I do?" - K.C.

Life is moments, shared with people or by ourselves.  We are gifted with free-will and time by the universe. What we choose to do with it makes us each our own god, which is why I believe Nietzsche said "god is dead.”  Sometimes I'm blown away about the nature of addiction.  It is such a cunning and stealth force to me.  I mean, with all that I have been through in my life, I can recall how with each relapse, I had rationalized that perhaps I was not an addict.  I learned what to do now in order to not get "carried away."  How many times did I deceive myself with that bullshit.  It didn't take much to get me to relapse.  

Feeling pity for myself was a great gateway to relapse, as was jealously and envy.  Everyone in the world has formatted themselves so elegantly and purposefully, but here I am, wandering the lands as a lone wolf, with my metaphoric long hair and beard, humming to myself, convincing myself that I am so unique, that I am an artist tortured by the cruelty that is luck, the cruelty that is my destiny in this life, as dictated by the universe.  Now those sentences I just wrote there...ha!!  What kind of ego do I have?  What is really holding me back?  What are my limitations?  

When I read how a paraplegic has sailed the world on a solo trip while I'm nodding out in the basement of my house, with bottles of piss around me, that should flare up some kind of inspiration in my life.  Its a great saying that "the greatest limitations in life are the one's we set on ourselves."  That statement is church and I keep in mind whenever I have an obstacle in life.  

No longer will I continue this pity parade party and look for another accuse to use.  I say to myself that "I can't do this," which instead, I should be saying "Why can't I do this."  No longer will I succumb to being alone in misery, working as a slave to my drug, having the my soul and everything that makes me who I am raped by drug addiction.  Those times I would awake to gatorade piss bottles around me, I recall the stench that lingered in my room.  Smelled like rain on metal along with intense body oder which made my whole living quarters reek.  I must keep these memories burned brightly in my mind so I can never forget what waits for me if I make the wrong decision.

My Mouth Has Run Out of Ink

To keep a persons attention when speaking or talking or writing is rather a difficult action to perform.  For example, if I am at a party with several people I want to talk about something funny or unusual that happened to me, I'm not able to get that across.  A good story teller knows how to keep pace and have some type of cohesion their narrative.  I'm sure it doesn't help that when I speak or write, I have an odd arrangement structure.  I hate saying phrases and avoid them completely.  Sometimes its difficult because it seems I blurt them out because its at the earliest level of recall on my mind, thus making its retrieval from my memory bank easy and effortless.  I feel strange when it happens.  I'm not sure if you can understand.  For example, if someone has their birthday on facebook, you see the same message, "happy birthday" blah blah blah.  When I write this, I feel that I should be saying more since automatic responses seem to not have any feeling to them.  It could also all be in my head.  After all, saying happy birthday is enough sometimes...or is it?  I try to avoid robotic responses as much as possible.  This takes its own balance though, since if you are too out there you become...yes! You know it!!!.... "that weird guy!!!"

I get bored easily and as I have been around addicts and the recovery community for a few years now, I notice that its a common sentiment. Am I the only addict that does that?  I do not know why I default into a defense mode in all my conversations in the form of needing to always explain and prove whatever it is I am saying.  I have a sense that no one has trust in me or in what I am saying.  I pride myself on being a mysterious character, but what am I really leaving to the imagination if I spell out everything I say or do?  Am trying to get a certain image across?  Am I that worried that the wrong impression of me is being conveyed by how speak and the content to which I am speaking of?

Spark

Drugs were appealing to me because they are fun and also serve as an enhancement to every activity I can perform.  I believed that when I was using, that it would serve as a catalyst for some kind of creative inspiration.  Most of the time, I just was there as a lump of muscles with electric circuitry buzzing around....a train with the conductor asleep at the wheel.  I have a warped sense of processing things.  Many thoughts and notions I have, I do not know if others share it as well.  

Where is that point in life where it doesn't matter what anyone says.  For example, people labeled me as a strange dude because I had a different approach in life.  I conduct myself differently, yes that is true.  I do not want to follow the crowd.  I want to lead my own way and if others are there with me on the road, then I have companions.  But if not then I still have to tread away in the direction of growth, positive thinking, and hope. The reason people do not like change is that everyday is predictable.  Those people who follow their dreams take the risk and have faith that as long as they are pursuing their passion, things will work out.  I want to and need to believe that as long as I'm a good person, with good intentions, then I will be taken care of in the greater sense.  Its called a leap of faith because you are essentially leaping into the unknown.  Change, no matter how uneasy it makes me feel, is essential to my growth.   

As my body and mind start to heal, I can still shake my head at some of my friends and family members who think that yelling or making me feel horrible for having an addiction was a good method to help me.  I do not have time for judgmental people like that anymore, blood or no blood.  I have been through so much, my tolerance for annoyance is not high.  Its easy for me to pick apart people and point out the misery known as their everyday life, but I do not want to because I do not want negativity and bad karma to breed.  I have wasted years of my life and time is precious.  I will honor time by being as real as I can be with people.  

I don't want to be around any shady people or people who feel that life owes them so they will take advantage of situations (gas attendant gives you too much money and you keep it for yourself because oil companies make so much money anyway, or you are eating with your friends at a restaurant, everyone tips high because the service was good and you take advantage by paying lower because the situation worked for your favor).  No, I do not tolerate that nor do I want to be around it. I hate these situations but I also find them as a great way to teach me a lesson. You really learn about people by experiencing situations together and noting their reactions. I'm trying to be a giver.  Sometimes, when I get in my guru/meditation mode, I speak in my mind the following:

Teach Not Can I,

Teacher All 

Recovery Meetings

I’ll expand on my thoughts regarding recovery meetings.  Every now and then, I attend an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting.  In my area, the AA meetings have a stronger dedicated sober group than the other option, Narcotics Anonymous. Though I’m not an alcoholic, the message is the same no matter what your addiction is.  I use meetings as a supplement to my overall attempt to revolutionize my life and my way of thinking.

At the beginning of my attempts to live a sober life, AA was a safe place to be.  I knew I would be safe for that hour.  These days, I cannot dedicate myself 100% to the cause because I have a differing opinion regarding abstinence.  I seldom drink and smoke pot but I want to enjoy the occasions when I do.  The AA approach is either all in or nothing.  That doesn't work for me.

The AA and other support groups say that if I am not abstaining from ALL substances, then relapse is a given.  I would be viewed as a clean person but not a sober person.  People will also point out that nothing will change in my life, I will be miserable because I’m not addressing the internal causes that AA/NA seem to focus on as the core to full recovery, which is the 12 steps.  They will say I will fail because I am taking recovery in my own hands.  

I will always feel judged and viewed as less than because of my view on using pot and drinking. If I try to address this to anyone who is in a support group, they feel sorry for me because "I don't get it" and that "AA will be waiting for you when you're ready."  The 12 steps are an essential recovery tool but I can take what I learn from the teachings and taylor it to my own personal life.  Why must this be the be-all end-all?  Why are recovery meetings perceived as the only game in town?

One thing that has died in me is that feeling to please other people.  At one point, I wanted to make sure everyone was my friend in all circles of my life.  I had to make sure I was funny and that I was also dumb, this way, I made people feel better because I am the butt of the joke.  In my mind, those were sacrifices that I were fine with making because I do not want to go on this journey of life alone.

The person I am now doesn’t give a shit about impressing people anymore or explaining myself or my actions.  Be it friends or family, I’m not wasting my energy anymore being an advocate of why I’m living the way I’m living.  I have a zero tolerance approach.  I do not need friends or family that will always bring up the negatives I did in life. Yes, I screwed up, stop fuckin' reminding me and appreciate that right now, I am not that person.  How can I grow when you keep attempting to stunt my growth...FUCK OFF! 

I’m learning to stabilize my mood now that I do not use opiates whenever I am feeling uneasy.  There are certain people in my life that when I am in their company, they treat me like a child or they bring up things I did in the past.  I do not want to argue with these people.  Its more easy for me to ignore then and let them fall away by the wayside.  If I am in a good mood, being with these type of individuals really shakes the foundation I am trying to strengthen.  

Perhaps I am too hard on people, but if I do not treat people like that, why is it coming back to me then?  There are certain people that when I talk to on the phone, it always end up flaring anger in me, which makes me feel as if I’m not progressing in my attempt to better myself.  I have to spend the entire length of the conversation explaining myself, again, and pointing out the inconstancies or inaccuracies in the other person’s assessment of me, along with their warped sense of perception. 

Well, I am finished with that.  I’m very comfortable living life alone without anyone.  Now, is that the life I want?  Of course not!  I stated the key in recovery from depression and addiction is to be socially involved, albeit people that add to your character and not take away from it.  Light breeds light, dark breeds dark.   My relationships with people are like a piece of fruit, the rotten part of it are the people who hold me back.  Once I cut away that part, I can enjoy the fruit much better.  The quality of my relationships will improve based on who I chose to surround myself with.  Why go through the same exhausting cycle with people who will never change?  Why not dedicate time to gaining new friends or a new network that will enhance your nature?

There are friends I have now that make me question the relevance on their friendship. What am I giving them, what are they giving me?   This is how I do it, I treat a person with respect, I do not judge what you did or who you are.  I do not minimize your achievements.  If you believe in something, I will not point out the negative side of it.  If your heart is good then we can roll together, but if there is any darkness in you or your a person that doesn’t compromise or sacrifice, then I do not want to associate with you any longer.  Anyway I say this, it will come across as if I am saying I am the greatest person ever and all people should model themselves after me.  I am not, I am just a person that knows what he wants and knows what he doesn’t want, how is that arrogance?  How is it arrogant that when am with you, I’m empowering you.  This is not ass kissing or being a sycophant, I’m just being real with you.  If you weren’t a good person or a quality person, we wouldn’t be together in the first place.

"Time sucks us closer to death with every tick.
Its time for me to value, respect and honor it by valuing, 
respecting, and honoring myself" --self

There are friends now that I cannot hang out with anymore because their philosophy on life differs from mine.  I value time, I value making the most of my time.  I need to do something productive.  In the past, I  tolerated the aspects of my relationships that annoyed me; i.e., bringing up the negative all the time, bringing up the past (I hate that!), being a cheap tipper, being selfish, not compromising for the sake of the situation, not valuing the preciousness of time, not keeping an open mind, etc.

It doesn’t matter, anyway I express this, it will come across as if I’m pontificating the ideal person.  I’m not, this is what works for me.  You will have your own life philosophy and that is neither better or worse than mine.  What this does is that it makes likes attract and unlikes detach.  You are who you are friends with.  You are unique and I am unique, lets embrace it without being ashamed anymore or caring what anyone says.  Life will be over soon and on your deathbed, you may realize how trivial and meaningless this all is.  I do not want to die and as I am dying, wish that I did this or that.  I want to do the most I can and experience all that I can...the good, the bad, and the ugly, because its what make me who I am.  My goal in life is to learn and with every sunrise, I plan to do better than yesterday.  

Let me get back on track here (perfect example of going on a tangent, I'm also like this in conversations in real life).  AA gave me hope and made me connect with some people that are very important to me now.   I'm glad that people have changed their lives and have dug out of the pit of active addiction.  I respect whatever they are doing now, as long as the end-result is the same.  Why can I not get that in return?    

I will still go to meetings occasionally and not voice my discontent with the people who live and breathe AA, because if I did, then I would be like one of those people I was describing above. As I said before, why do I have to spend my energy on making convincing people either this or that?  What I am going to do is live my life and for those who will judge me , then it is a good indicator of people who are useless to my life journey.  I will butcher the fat from the meat and be done with it.