Free Town

Putting Together the Pieces...AGAIN.

I'm keeping myself occupied by trying to decide how the course of the year will go.   I lost my most recent job due to the last relapse I had.  For the past several weeks, the reflection from the mirror was a man who looked worn out.  Eyes that had a vacant look to them.  The light inside growing dimmer as the sadness I was feeling rippled throughout the lines of my face.

I've gotten my energy back now to start searching for jobs again.  I will not go heavy; the next 6 months I will work to save some money.  As my head clears, I will begin to make some big decisions or at least begin to think constructively about it.

Questions in my head now that I have to avoid thinking about:

• What is my purpose?

• Where should I move to?

• What kind of career should I get involved in?

• How do I know if the choices I make for myself are the choices that will render the most happiness?

I've always been a person who thinks.  Constantly thinking and thinking...giving myself questions that I can never answer.   Trying to define who, what, where, and why questions.

Who I am?  Who is the real me?  Are my thoughts and internal monologue my pure thoughts or are they thoughts grown from people who have influenced me, both consciously and subconsciously?

I get anxious at times when I consider that I'm an old person and I haven't even started my career yet, haven't found my purpose, haven't found meaningful relationships...I'm just floating by.  

I tried going to a meeting recently.  It was good, but again, I feel very alone and isolated.  Its hard for me, when I am sober, to connect with people.  I also know from experience that how I feel now is not how I will feel a month from now.  I will slowly start to feel more human again.  I will start to feel comfortable around people.  When the phone rings, I won't hit ignore because I am in fear of speaking to whoever is on the other line.  I won't have social anxiety that is at its peak during the first few weeks of early recovery.

Trigger Finger

I think triggers can evolve.  They are deceptive and cunning.  I'm a weak person.  If the thought of using enters my mind, I act on it.   Like, right away.  I have no will-power to allow that momentary lapse of judgement to just dissipate.  I act on my urges to use.  The last trigger was watching a movie where they used drugs....thats all it took.  Another time, I was on a lunch break and the idea invited itself inside my head, hung around, wouldn't leave, and convinced me it was a good idea.  The absolute worst are the drug dreams of using.

Why?

I enjoy being high.  I enjoy having peace of mind, contentment, energy to do tasks...a purpose.  I do not use/relapse/get high in order to have a great party night.  I use then I read a book, or surf the web.  I use then I do yard-work, clean my room, update my files, prepare my taxes, be social, laugh, smile, and, generally, be full of life.

If money was not an issue, I would be high right now.  I know I would be.  That tells me that my road to recovery will be long, treacherous, deadly, and filled with sin.  Do I want to recover?  Yes, its all I ever wanted.  I just do not want to keep this endless cycle going.  My goal is to try to find an alternate route to happiness that does not involve using a deadly, soul-darkening substance.

I am told time will give back to me what I have been searching for.   My difficult (one of them) is that I cannot string enough time being sober.  Those barriers are challenging for me to reach.  I have done it once before so I know that eventually, warmth will enter me once again.



What Will Be Different This Time?

I'm having family members distribute my suboxone to me.  I plan to be on it for about a month.  I also gave the debit card to said family members.  I have no access to a car.  I found a AA type meeting but it comes from a Buddhist viewpoint, so I will give that a shot.   Seems interesting.  Recovery in the lens of Buddhism.

I will stop going to these drug addict forums and message boards...I will avoid watching movies/tv shows that could show drugs being used.  This is all temporary of course.   I know that if I can make a solid year, without subs or anything, I will begin to have that strength that will allow me to ease back into society.  The truth of the matter is, I will be tested throughout my life....someone will be doing blow in the bathroom or smoking a doobie on a balcony or giving me a script for that root canal.  How I face is that day is all dependent on the type of recovery foundation I built.

What is the point of creating a fortress or castle that is impregnable but the foundation is on top of quick-sand?  You can use that point with anything.  Yes, I have a killer job and a salary but it will not matter if the foundation of my recovery is to shit.  That is why I will get a no-stress job for at least 6 months or so, then begin to answer the questions about where my road will be going.



Things To Look Forward To

As I gain power and strength with each passing day in my recovery, I look forward to being reliable to the people I care about.   Going out to eat.  Taking someone I care about to the movies.   Making a donation to my favorite charity.  Volunteering for recovery-based programs.  Having a wide range of emotions instead of the couple I have now.  Having my own apartment.  Repairing the broken relationships of the past with people that are dear to me.  Going on vacation.   Ordering books on Amazon.  Buying clothes.  Start making investments.    Begin working on a career that is aligned to my passion and dream.  Upgrading my lifestyle.  Having my parents see me healthy, happy, and smiling.  Waking up to brew a cup of tea on a Sunday morning.  Going hiking.  Getting back into photography.  Getting gifts for friends birthdays.  Thinking of others.  Being self-less.  Eating healthy.  Exercising.



What are you looking forward to?


Check out the link below...an interesting video.
Missing Life is a Tragedy          

"Nobody Told Me There'd Be Days Like These"

"....Strange days Indeed"



A Year In Review


My long awaited reply.  I cannot believe its been about 4 months since an actual thought out post.  When I had originally sprouted the idea of wanting to write a addiction-recovery blog, I wanted to have an update every week or biweekly at least.  Once a month would be the absolute minimal.  My apologizes for falling off the face of the earth.  Let me begin to do a recap.




I had left the USA in 2014 to save my life from heroin addiction.  I had made frequent trips to the E.R. in 2014 and I was a veteran of detoxes and rehabs centers.  I exhausted all of my financial means of survival.  I was essentially homeless, jobless, and directionless when I left to live in Europe.



I had it going real good.  I was living in a penthouse, eating quality food, driving a nice sports car...simple things that I was not used to because my lifestyle went through a metamorphosis.  Prior to my departure to Europe, I was not taking care of myself.  I had dirt under my fingernails, I would have a peculiar oder (I call the stench "detox sweat"), I didn't eat good at all, my teeth hurt, my body hurt, my heart was in pain, and I was burnt out.  I was unstable and just looking to end my life, the pain of living a life of up's and down's was too much.  I was ready to hit the reset button and try another life.  In this life, I failed the ones I loved most.  To hear your own parents tell you that you have taken the joy and pleasure out of their life...its hurtful to hear.  To have the best relationship with a sibling and then have that sibling never treat you the same because they do not understand the nature of addiction....thats also a shame.   To have business relationships that were supposed to get you far in life...never coming to fruition because of a rampant drug lifestyle.  


When I got to Europe, over the course of 2015, I began to accept things and move on as best as I could.  The old friends I had, I made the attempt to reach out to them.  Some were receptive, others not so much.  I know that I can never really obtain those relationships again because the damage factor was way too much.  To be honest, I do not want those type of friends anymore.  I feel that when you make amends with old relationships, those people are eventually waiting and anticipating that day that I will fuck up and then we go again.

I just wanted to make amends with the people in my past so I have no hate or hurt in my heart.  The most meaningful lives are the ones in which we have established family-like social network.  Its not how many friends I have, but what is the quality of the friendships I have?

So life in Austria was great in 2015.  I had traveled to a few countries in Europe and I was acclimating myself to a life that was void of drug use and all the issues that come along with having an addiction.  However, I am an addict and eventually, temptation showed up and I found a source to get morphine off the streets.  In the month of September and October 2015, I had ramped up an intense addiction to morphine.  So bad that I was scratching my face until the point of blood.  In the morning, my face would have patches of green mold-like blotches from potential infections that I had probably received on my face.  It was really disgusting.  Of course, like a true addict, I denied it to the family I was living with.  I still have scars on my face from that last run.  




Why Why Why?
The question I want to focus on is "WHY"?  

Why?:  In my mind, I love the feeling that opiates gives you.  I like that buzz, that warmth, that anti-depression quality it provides.

The pattern is always the same.  I stay clean for some time.  Then I miss it, but somehow, I block how painful recovery was and I managed to score because "its fun"...its never fun.  As soon as I shoot it, I regret it.  Really, no b.s.  Yes, I like the instant rush and joy, but that is as fleeting as any good memory, if you want to call it that.

The cycle of kicking dope and then going on suboxone and then relapsing is very damaging.  I go through bouts of intense sadness, fits of rage and tears...also some suicidal tendencies.

I just don't get it, what can I do to make recovery stick.  Why am I so trapped by this notion that drugs are a fun time and I need it in order to have this exponential growth of knowledge, creativity and meaning?  The thing that matters to me the most is love and meaningful relationships, both things that are grave yarded by the fact that I do drugs.

Right now, I am going through a cycle of using and kicking, using and kicking.  The suboxone is helping but I don't want it to be a crux for when I have no dope.  I am at wits end, I find that I am starting to feel very empty and withdrawn.

Living in the Atlanta area, I know no one besides my parents.  In Europe, I had friends and contacts I would meet everyday.  Here its just work people and my parents.  I have no bonds or no connections.  The only connection I have is to heroin and that is like an old friend who will hang out with me no matter what.   The cost is, it will strip away the essence of my being...the icy breath of active addiction is cooling any motivation or thoughts of breaking out as a person with purpose in life.  I do not want 2016 to be another cycle of using/non using.  I said I would end my life if that is the case.

I am being honest to show people that this issue I have is one that so many people are struggling.  I do not get it nor will I ever get it.  I do understand that the more days I have not using, the better the momentum and the strength will be.





Do You Snooze or Seize the Day?

Even as I write this, I feel not as motivated as when I first started.  I love to write, I love to tell my experience, to have emails from people asking questions or to have someone say that this helps them, but drug addiction hollows out the soul of the individual and leaves a shell of despair, regret, and gloom.

I do not want to do that to myself or to you readers who manage to stay interested so far.  I will make the most attempt I can to chronicle my bounce back and I will bounce back.  Its just learning to stay forward and not slip behind anymore.   I have no shame in relapsing, I am just very disappointed in not learning the simple lesson of "drugs are bad, there are no winners with heroin, there is never a "just once" with dope....it is a losing game, stop playing."

I have dreams and ambitions that I want to set out and accomplish.  I want to charter the open sea and do things that will profoundly effect me spiritually, but I am a hypocrite.  I can't do anything until I figure out how to defeat this monster that always seems to lurk around every corner, breathing its breath of death and stinking my existence with the stench of hopelessness and darkness.

Its my birthday today...I wish and pray for a year that will change my life for the better.  But wishes are just that.  I want to be a doer and not a sayer.  I want people to look up to me, I want people to know that I was in hell and I got out.   I want to help others, I want to say fuck you and be done with this.  So much time spent on something so selfish and destructive.

Nourishment

Thank you all for the support.  God Bless and have a happy healthy new year filled with your own dreams and ambitions.  You will get there by hard work and sacrifice.  Nothing worth it comes easy.  See you next time.

Give Me Five...I'm Still Alive

Disclaimer:  A quick update -- formal blog entry to be up in about a week or so.  Please excuse this dull entry.  I just had many letters wondering my status so I took a few minutes to type the following.  This is a no-frills entry...I will have a more concrete, rich entry up very shortly as I stated  ---- 

I have a responsibility to keep all updated on my progress since I started this blog.  The truth of the matter is that I have not been very motivated.   So I spent the past year overseas and just in November, I returned back to the USA to live with my parents.  Oh great, mom and dad have their kid back.  I feel like an asshole because I get annoyed with them but they are truly loving parents and I have put them through shit.

I detoxed off of suboxone using poppy pod tea and I was good until September.  I then found morphine and started to shoot up for a while.  I had a great opportunity in Europe but I screwed that up.  A shame really, all that hard work gone in a matter of weeks.  I came back to the states in a familiar state.  Broken, ashamed, lifeless, loveless, and wanting to end it all.  I am just sick of this cycle.

As soon as I returned home, my parents kept me on full lockdown.  I still managed to be in a new city and state I never lived in and somehow, I got heroin delivered to my parents home.  Really, where there is a will there is a way.  If I want drugs, I can score.  Not anything to be proud of.

My parents insisted I get back on subs and I caved in.  The truth is I am scared to be on them long term but the doctor I see now has explained to me that he was an addict who a decade of clean time.  Suboxone helped him back then and now he is helping other addicts.

Believe me, if suboxone got me high or happy, I would never have stopped taking it.  I stopped taking it because I don't want to be chained to any meds, but at this point, I am relapsing heavy and I could die.

My plan now is to be on subs for about 2/3 months and then kick for good.  I have obtained a job which I work 6 days a week, long hours.  That keeps me sober and not thinking about drugs.  I have only been on subs about 3 weeks, new job 2 weeks.

I am so against sub but if it is keeping me sober and I obviously cannot do it by myself, then why should I not chose the lesser of two evils?

Heroin addiction odds are stacked against the user.  But I don't plan to be on the losing side.  Its a humble struggle but one that can be overcome.  I have done it before.  Anyone can kick dope.  Staying off of dope separates the mice from men.  God bless and please keep your questions coming, both private and public.  I love to answer anything on your mind.

Love, Lies, and the Crawling Maggot Herein

I recently had this as a suggested as a topic to cover and its very interesting to discuss it, mostly because its uncomfortable.  I was able to systematically destroy every single relationship I had.  From my place of work, to my university where I was studying in graduate school, to my childhood friends, to girlfriends, the outer circle of my family, and finally the inner circle of my family.

My mind is hazy in regards to when I went from a drug user to a drug addict, but I pin it around 2008.  I realized that the first time I was dope sick, that something is not right here, but I could still stop then, albeit I was sick for a couple days…nothing near what a cold turkey detox would be, and I would have enough of those coming up, thank you.

I love the line from the health ledger movie “candy”…about a couple in the throws of heroin addiction.  “When you can stop, you don’t want to…when you want to stop, you can’t”.

Yes this exactly.  Going through the pain of stopping is not just being physically sick.  To be honest with you, I’m used to the first week of what a cold turkey detox brings.  I was never one to throw up, but diarrhea…stomach cramps, extreme fatigue that i can’t even put to words, foul smell from my body, foul smell from my mouth…my bones felt like pieces of coal on fire…getting literally no sleep for days on end, wondering if I would die or hallucinate from a lack of sleep, no appetite, except for a candy bar and coca cola.  Thats about it.  Thats the easy part.  The rough part?  The anxiety, the heavy hand of depression, a cloud so dark that death is an acceptable solution.  Since I have gone through this before, after 30 days, I felt about 50% better, then 10% each month thereafter.  

A friend of mine told me that it takes about 1 to 2 years for the obsession to use to fade away to a tiny light, but its a light that can always be ignited if I take the wrong step.

I can say for now, I have no obsession to use.  The drug dreams are annoying, because its not real.  Do I want to use?  Of course I do.  Going to night life places suck, because I need drugs to have a good time.  Addiction is the titanic on the ocean, there is no such thing as an instant 180…the ship slowly turns, and with it, people addicted to any substance can take small steps.  Exercising, eating right, avoiding triggers that make you use, avoiding friends you used to have, or places you use to go…introducing new hobbies, traveling the world, volunteering, gardening, music….I take things slowly now and I’m in a much better state than a couple of months ago.  I learned acceptance.  Shit happened.  Anyone can kick a heroin habit, I know from experience that I can and many people I met can.  But staying clean, well thats the money shot.  The longest string of sobriety I have put together is 6 or 7 months.  Right now, I am about a month “clean” from suboxone.  I couldn’t just stop suboxone, because going one day without it, I was feeling horrible, as equal to kicking dope cold turkey.  I started on 8mg and got down to .02 and .02 I still felt terrible.  I wanted to write about how I did but had second thoughts.  I know I will be judged from it but fuck it, maybe it will help someone addicted to suboxone or methadone.  Those two are like getting pine tar on your fingers but replace pine tar with opiods and fingers with your brain receptors.  The detox doesn’t even start until a day or two and it lasts much longer.  I still advocate suboxone, but for a short term use.  Four days to 2 weeks, maximum.  Methadone, 4 days max.  Anything longer and there will be a price to pay.

Anyway, how I did it and how it worked for ME is that I am in a country that poppy pods are legal.  Since the suboxone withdrawal is about 2 to 4 weeks, I stopped suboxone and drank this tea, which is pretty much natural morphine and then I weaned off of that.  It was a very light withdrawal…so light, then I thought that this was too easy.

I don’t know why poppy pod is not legal.  Could it be because big pharma wants it illegal?  I just know that my whole life, I was strung on dope or hooked on sub, but I was broken free thanks to poppy pods.  Granted, you can get addicted to that to and I’m sure I was, but after that month, I stopped and I was back to myself.

Days now are okay, there is heavy feeling of fatigue and depression, but its in waves. I know easily that I can cure this, but my solutions have never worked before, how could it work now?  I’m going to try to stay clean and see how life is.

Sometimes I wonder if all the dishonestly and bad karma I had accumulated would be so overwhelming that I could never be a whole person again, that I would always be a shady addict fuck waiting for the day to relapse and waiting to hurt the ones I love again.

I don’t want to scare anyone from using those substitutes.  Because this past year, I have stayed straight because of suboxone and got my life together.  People do the same with methadone.  I think when you have relapsed so many times and death’s hand is tugging your shirt closer to him, then yes, substitution is a MUST!  People have successful, happy lives on substitution.   If I relapsed again, I probably will die.  I’ve had enough cold turkey detoxes, and no one I know on planet earth has had a successful heroin habit.  I had days where I thought, how can I be successful and still use the only drug that has every made me feel pure, happy, motivated, and serene?  I calculated that I would need about $380 a week.  Stupid thoughts…instead of thinking about giving back to the community, helping people, getting a career that is worth something, having a life that is worth remembering, I’m fantasying about using dope again.  I have to stay in today.  I don’t want to think of my entire life with it, because its to much.  All I have to do is stay good today, and thats it.

In terms of relationships, I could never get involved with someone who was using…maybe if they drank or smoked pot occasionally, yes I could, but definitely not doing blow or harder things.  Since I seen a lot of people who were users, I got to scope out a lot of scenarios.  A few of them was a sober person living with a drug addict.  The sober person always thought they could “save” the addict…100% of the time, and this is no bullshit, but 100% of the time, the addict takes down the sober person.  Love is no love when it comes to drugs.  You can never love a person who is an addict because they love something more than you…that is the cold truth.  I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it and I know it will never and has never worked.

The worst thing that happened to me was that the people I cared for told me to fuck off.  If they didn’t, I would have taken them down.  I cursed them out and wished them harm but now that I got a clear head, I see how they were right and they were saving themselves but also sending me a clear message.  

Just to repeat, if you are involved with a drug user, you cannot help them.  They can help themselves.  The best thing to do is help them get into a detox, if they want to.  Never for you or for family, but they do it for themselves….give yourself distance and let things happen.  If its meant to be, universe will work things out for you…but when you have a cancer, you cut it off.  Drug addicts are cancerous people, vile creatures of filth…I was one and I can be one with one bad decision.  

No Worries - Keep Living - Keep Loving

I Dreamed Of Your Love And It Hurt 

Drug dreams are terrible.  Imagine starting your day after waking up with your heart beating out of your chest.  In my dream, I was working at a factory that was delivering shoe boxes of heroin and on a particular delivery, there was some left overs and the boss let me take some home.  Because of the way dreams bleed into other atmospheres, I was then in a parking lot where a man driving had stopped and asked me directions to get somewhere.  He had just won a lot of money at a casino and he wanted to get home, but take the local way.  I then gave him directions to get to where he had to.  Then in the final part of my dream, I was in my parents house getting some money to go use.  

One barrier I have for recovery is that I cannot seem to be in the moment when I am clear headed.  I just do not have any steam in my engine.  I've heard heroin got its name because it makes you a super powered version of yourself, a hero actually.  A hero within...not sure where I heard that but I guess its true.  I just want to use in order to function.   I don't want to nod out into the couch or become disconnected from the world, I just want to do enough where it gives me that boost to do what needs to be done in life.  I am relentlessly searching to see how people are successful addicts but I don't seem to have any luck.  I know that there are people on this earth who will live a long life, be productive and have an addiction, I just think I can be that person.  I don't want to be that person but I also want to.  I am not sure what I want.  I want the pleasure that the drug brings you minus the pain it brings you.  I'm so convinced that I could get it right this time if I had another chance, but I've been through this before, I know what the outcome will be.

I just have to change my fantasy of using and not dwelling on it.   I'm a fucking idiot, watching documentaries on heroin or going to subreddits on opiates are just gigantic triggers.  What a fool I am to think I can watch something horrible to help with my recovery.  This is how fucked up it is, I can see the homelessness and misery of each addict in these documentaries, and all I think is how dreamy it would be to plunge and push some pleasure into my body.  God, how long will this misery go on?

My GPS Location, Recovery Wise Post-Date Rape

I am almost off my sub, I have a few days to go before I'm completely off of it, then the withdrawals from that will hit me.  I will have a week to myself to get through it.  I know I can.  Once you been through a cold turkey withdrawal, anything in life is fuckin possible.  If you gave me the choice to jump in an ocean in winter or leap from one building to the next with no safety net or have someone drill screws or hammer nails on my body, I would do all that rather than go through a cold turkey withdrawal.  Fuck, its funny how the people in my life who think quitting is so easy never will know (and I hope to god they never know) how it feels to crawl back to the side of sobriety.

In about 2 months, I will be back in the states and I will be all alone, no support, living on my own.  That is something I fear big time.  I know I have to keep myself busy and pray to the universe I land a career job and then a part time job.  I rather work 7 days a week and only sleep for the first year or two coming up than to have any free time.  

Of course, one can say just go on maintenance like methadone or suboxone for life.  Yes, that works for some but I don't want to have anything in my body like that anymore.  I could use suboxone for life and then take heroin holidays, like every weekend, and never get sick or become full blown junkie but I feel that something is not right about that.  I believe in drug experimentation and bending the mind and going into the cosmos, but I chose the wrong tools.  Coke, crack, heroin....these are not spiritual seeking or rewarding drugs.  Just the contrary, they tap into your reptilian core to make you a horrible selfish animal.  During my hay day, there was no limit to what I would do to score.  I did everything but prostitution, which I think I would have maybe...and I stress big maybe, considered but I have intimacy issues so forget that.  I don't like even being touched at times but that is a story I'll save for the therapists office.  Doing dope raped the innocence and spirituality from my body.  Thats why I find it so hard now to have faith in the universe or to believe in the spiritual light of life.  I guess it will take time to get there again.   Doing dope will only take me a step back at this point.  Fuck that.  I should take up boxing or something, I need to have my drug use personified so I can beat the shit out of it.

Right now, my wellbutrin script is almost done and I won't refill it.  My suboxone will be done.  The only thing I will continue to use is 5-htp.  Really, its a miracle this exists.  I'm keeping myself busy by reading and working on some resumes.  I am trying to stay out of my head as much as possible.  Life is perfect, beautiful, hopeful and I am so lucky and loved...I just wished I realized this more than not...I just wish I could be connected again.   Moving forward I go, whether I am kicking and screaming, but I am moving forward.  No more can I drift to thoughts of using or thinking about ways to be a functioning addict.


Bright Sun

I'm going to be going to my first withdrawal experience from suboxone so the next week should be fun...I'm going to stay positive and even though I may not feel like doing anything, I will force myself to exercise and move my body.  No more of this laying around bullshit.  Its time to see what this world looks like...its time to be whole again.

Old Behaviors

 

I daydreamed today about old behaviors I often exhibited in the public setting.  I still find it perplexing how I could think that I was fooling everyone regarding the nature of my addiction, but I was an open book apparently.


  



Growing up, I was always an attention-seeker.  I prided myself as being a clown, amusing others to get some sense of satisfaction in terms of being liked and wanted.  Drawing back to the years I was coming of age, I had a typical family life.  Both parents that worked day and night so their children could benefit from a life of having their needs met.



On a side note:  There are some members of my family that piss me off. In particular, I have one such family member who speaks down to me because I am not modeling my life after hers.  She is not exactly my blood family, but I have known her for a some time.  What I find funny is that she claims to live a life of peace, love, and harmony, but then when it comes to compromising, it does not happen.  Its very stressful to be in her presence. If something happens that is not in junction with what she wants, she pouts, makes a scene and then gets silent like a child that didn't get her way.  She needs to get treated like a princess and always have her voice be the final authority on any matters at hand.  I find it embarrassing to be around her when she gets like that.  She really absorbs all the joy of that moment and guillotines it. This makes me angry too and I don't want to go there.  




Getting angry makes me feel like I have taken a step back in my recovery since I'm also working on anger and fear in life. Once upon a time, I used to bring friends together so that new networks can birth through an introduction, but then she gets very selfish and theatrical with her personality.  If something happens that is not her idea or her way, you can feel the contempt is her presence.  The worst is that she cannot see how contradictory she is.   Arguing is futile because she is extremely passive-aggressive.  I avoid her for the most part now and have minimal contact with her.  She has had enough chances.  Its not productive to be with someone who can emotionally drain you.    

Its a shame, because she has known my family for so long, but does that mean that certain people get a pass at stunting our growth?  If I'm trying to change my life and improve it, do I really need someone that cause me to fume madness and stir uneasiness in me?  Its exhausting to deal with a person that require all this maintenance.  Its like walking on eggshells, and I do not want to burden my mind anymore with this.  There are others out there that are aligned my philosophy on life, and those are who my time will be going to now.




Back to recalling the days I was using.  There is something that is very comforting when it comes to using opiates.   A true warm blanket that protects me from the cold winds of life.  I breathe comfort in any situation I have when I use.  Its a panacea for all that ails me.  It gives me a sense of power, protection, peace, and happiness.   The times I would use in a public setting, I was loud and behaving weirdly.  Making animal noises and jumping up and down like a baboon was something that was a trademark for me.  I take off my shirt and expose my top to complete strangers...I scratch all parts of my body in an overt way...there is no being low-key to what I did.  If I had to scratch under my belt or my butt, I went to town.  Now I understand why I was single for the most part.



When I did go on a date, I would make many bathroom trips to snort coke and H.  Its a delicate balance when you mix those two.  First of all, its lethal.  Second of all, you want to make sure its perfect so there is a nice balance of weaving through the roller coaster of being hyper and being dopey.  At one point, writing this would trigger me but no longer.  Its disgusting and frightening the way I conducted myself.  Others have died doing less than I have.  I've had a handful of friends die, severe consequences in my personal life, interventions by loved ones, but nothing would get me to get sober.  I had to reach this point myself where I wanted this, where I wanted to better my life for me, not for anyone and not because of any circumstance.  Either I would get to this point or I would die.   For now, I have eased the flame and am no longer living at the boiling point. 

Addiction is like an invisible net hanging over my soul.  Once I flare up the pilot light and begin to participate in the drug-seeking and taking behavior, then the net will fall on me and paralyze my growth...jeopardize my life...bring to a halt all the progress I was making.




There were times I was at parties and I would hop all around, dancing like a clown, making sure all eyes were on me and that I was the center of attention.  It made me feel good that I was the star of the show.   I guess not much has changed since high school.



I do not want that kind of attention any longer.  I've reached a point where I will be my honest self and who I attract and don't attract will be based on the honesty of my character.  No more manipulating situations to make myself better than I am.  I am also indifferent to being liked or not.  I am mellowing with age.  I used to be a triple expresso and now I am chamomile tea.



If I think briefly on why I need attention, I come up with the idea that I need to be wanted and love, since I have had that missing in my life or at least have this perception.  In truth, I don't.  I have people that care about me and would do anything for me, even today.  I just fell in the trap of being a victim, blaming the universe for my luck, holding contempt and anger in my heart, being selfish and cutting corners to better my own personal situation.



These behavior left me very empty.  Today, I'm molding myself with the ingredients of honesty, helping others even though it does get annoying at times, being available to anyone who needs to speak to me or needs help with anything, making phone calls to people that I need to speak to on a regular basis, and so on.  I'm trying to strengthen my spiritual foundation so I can replace the void I used to feel with the sense of the bigger picture.  For me, the life that has unfolded has shown me what true happiness is and what is possible.  If money, love, drugs, and what not is what happiness is, then do it.  Everyone will have their own idea.  My life is a simple plan.  Do good, Be good, Help Others, Be honest and honor words, live spiritually, be kind, speak kindly, find a purpose, do what you want without the judgement of what others say, and then life begins to open up, in all its multi-dimensional glory.

Back to another cooking analogy.  I can have all the tools I need to aid me in the pursuit of revolutionizing and rehabilitating my life.  These are the ingredients.  Just because I have the ingredients doesn't necessarily mean that the dish will make itself or come out perfect.  This will require action on my part, careful attention to detail to make the right combinations, portions, and balance to the mixture.  Too much of this or too little of that will effect the end result.  Too salty, too sweet, too bitter will not give a satisfying dish. As is my recovery, I have to be aware and mindful of my progress and how I am going about achieving in the end goal, which for me, is a life emotionally stable and drug free.  If I cut corners one day, this will effect the stability of my mind-body spirit. I need to bring together my ingredients (the tools of my recovery) and work on an end-product which will render a dish that is nourishing to my soul.  

Time to start cooking....

Face Life Consequences You Little Bitch and Change Your Diaper Frequently

"You are free and that is why

you are lost" -F.K.

Why Are Things Not Getting Better?

I'm trying to believe that by doing the next right thing, good circumstances will come round my way.  For example, as I am broke and essentially living day to day, I'm going to need a roof over my head and a job.  I get nervous about this because I haven't worked in a couple of years and I have bad credit due to living life as an addict for sometime.  The concerns that swirl around my head are the following:

• How can I afford rent if I have no job?
• How can I make a contract if I have bad credit?
• How will I get a job if I have bad credit that could hinder my chances of obtaining a job?
• Why is it so hard to get a second chance in the professional world if I'm trying hard to be good, do good, and live good?
• I don't expect to be rewarded for living and being right, but why can't the universe cut me a break?
• Am I being a whiny bitch about my life circumstance?
• Am I expecting something I shouldn't be?
• Am I really asking for that much?

It seems that I can't rely on anything anymore.  I was supposed to get some help transitioning back into the real world by having a low-rent apartment for the first couple of months when I return back to the tri-state area.  Instead, I was told that this is no longer happening.  It will be a tense few months because I have to first find a job to make some immediate money so I can have a roof over my head and food.  Second, I have to find a career suited for my degree that I went to school and spent so much money on.

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed by life?  Why are other people able to have luck and circumstance go their way but I cannot get the same?  I should be thankful that I have had this experience of recovery and have been able to live in Europe for this time.  I am grateful but I also have to concern myself about the future. 

I can easily get into negative thinking by going over all the wrongs I have to right.  I have so much to do and I feel that the tasks I'm putting before me will take so long to get accomplished.  I'm already behind vs. where my other contemporaries are in life.  People my age have families and good jobs, and I have to worry about renting some shit hole so I can get a shitty job in order to live shitty for the next few months or however long I have to before I start to dig out of the financial hole I got myself into.  How can I stay positive through all this? No wonder I love drugs so much, if I was the old me, I would just bang one up and be done with it.  Now I have to face the reality of life and understand that the consequences I have now are all creations of my actions.  I have to push through this shitty part that is coming up to make it through the other side.  I speak about having faith and staying positive but I can't take my own advice.  I feel negative, dark, and defeated already.  



I wish I could snap out of this.  I wish money was not a problem, I wish I am not plagued by depression and a loss of identity and purpose.  I wish I was anyone but me.  I don't mean that but I just want to have something to look forward to again, I want some clarity in my life.  I want something to look forward to and not some bleak uncertain future.  My life was muddy and all I want is to snap my fingers and have life be good again.  Unfortunately, life is not fair and I have to struggle for sometime before things work out for the better.  I just wish I didn't have to, but I must do what I must do in order to break through what I've been stuck into.

I doubt that I'm the only one who thinks about these things when adjusting back into the real world.  What I am going through is what anyone who has lost it all goes through.  I can be sure that all (or most) addicts or people in recovery have to face the same song I face.  This is a big hurdle to jump from because these are one of the points where one can stumble back into drug use.  I can rationalize how I am the victim, AGAIN, and that I'd be better off booting some of that sweet brown sugar and sinking into my bed, reading my favorite book, watching my favorite show, talking gibberish and singing out loud to myself, making a fool of myself in public, acting like a clown in my own circus show, where I am the freak headmaster and my imaginary buddies are my bozo's who I talk to.  



Yes, I am crazy but I love that about me and I don't care.  This is another challenge and I'm going to bang it out and stay sober through it.  Fuck it, I can always get strung out again if shit doesn't work out, but I HAVE TO MAKE AN EFFORT!!!!!  Before I die and become an addict again, I'm going to work my ass off to try to better my life and its circumstance.

I also have to give off the right kind of energy.  I believe in the law of attraction.  If I think dark and negative, all that will come my way.  Of course its a tremendous challenge to change my way of thinking when I have been comforted by the fact that I am a victim of circumstance and that people should boo hoo my pathetic sad life.  If I lie and say things will be good when my energy is saying that I know things will be bad again, then I have already lost.  This is the leap of faith again.  


I have to say it and believe it that things will go good as long as I keep going the route I'm going through, being honest, speaking to others, reaching out to people that care about me and will give me guidance.  Until I wholeheartedly believe that by doing the right actions, things will turn out better, then things will not.  I'm jumping into the unknown with confidence under my belt and a fuck it attitude.  

Anyone who survives addiction and is in recovery is a warrior and you have to be in order to get through what life is going to throw at us.  This is the easy part.  Gear up, suit up, and get ready....this is only the beginning.  Have hope and love in your heart and have faith that things will be alright.  That's what I am saying...I hope that is what I'm believing in too.....  

Listen to this funky reggae jam and chill....




Why Do We Want Things We Can't Have?


Nostalgia is like a bear-trap for my soul.  I'm paralyzed from it.  In order for me to be my best self, I have to avoid getting in situations that jeopardize my self-esteem and my perspective on things.  I will elaborate on facebook again.  All facebook does it make me feel bad for the life I could have been living.  I see the different groups of friends I was once a part of and realize that my space is vacant in their lives.  I see old girlfriends I let go because we're weren't meant for each other and then, because I get lonely at times, I fool myself into believing that I made the wrong decision and that they were true partner that I gave up.  Facebook is a constant reminder of all I am lacking in my life...a great social life, success in business life, personal life, and so on.

I think its important to not let emotions control and manipulate reality.  I have to have faith and have confidence that the decisions I made in the moment, were true and good.  Of course, when you lack something you wish you had, it clouds your present day judgement and casts doubt on the conclusion you had reached then but you regret now.  For me, a confident person is someone who doesn't dwell on decisions they had made.  Once you make a decision, you follow through with it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but will I go through life analyzing all the wrong decisions I made?  Then my life will be all in shambles.  I will live in the relics of the past.



Though this is common, do not do it.  Its a trap set up by the mind.  My goal is to let emotions happen, but like the river that flows through life, I shall let all these excess thoughts, feelings and wants, travel downstream.  Nothing is constant but change.  What I feel now, I will not feel later, or vice versa.   How crazy is it?  When we have things in our lives, we don't want them anymore and feel they have no relevance to us.  Then when we think about what we gave up, we then start to doubt it all again and wonder if we were wrong?  Well maybe things could have worked out?  Maybe I should have done this?  Or been with that?   Or said yes to this and no to that?  



There is no wrong or right answer I think.  Ever choice we make is like a gust of wind to our sail navigating us through the ocean of life.  It is not right or wrong because it is still pushing us towards a direction.  What is truly the goal in any of the things we do?   Happiness?  Wealth?  Purpose?  My life today is because of the construction I put into it yesterday.  But my I'm building and what I'm setting structure to, will always be changing.  I will forever be in construction and I will never be satisfied with things.  Its a bad habit to feel like I am lonely and unique in the world and that no one gets me, but isn't that putting other people down? 





I'm sure, everyone wants a quality life, but I think what separates successful people from those who aren't is confidence and faith.  The common person doesn't dwell on everything. People like myself, get labeled as thinkers, lost in the space of our mind, unable to relate to anyone because we are too much of an introvert and too caught up in the trappings of past/future thinking.  This makes us waste what we have today, because right now, today, is the only thing I have to work with.  I can't let the frequency of what I am and what I am planning on doing/being become contaminated by my toxic thinking.




I compare myself to how great everyone in my network has attacked life and superimpose it on the shit that is my life.  They say do not compare yourself to people.  Why not?  I have to face the fact that I had all this potential and I took a shit on it.  If I was doing what I was doing before drug use, who knows where I could have been?  



Now I am not jealous of my friends, truly I am not, but, getting to know myself more, I realize that I enjoy self-pity.  I like to be miserable just to have an excuse to feel the way I do.  That usually leads to a justification to use drugs but I stop it before it gets there now.  Its a terrible feeling to know that you have lost relevance to the people you surrounded yourself with.  I might as well have been born a new person because everything I do now has to be fresh.  I could try to salvage old friendships but there will always be a bitterness to it.



I stumbled upon an old email I had sent to a friend.  If you do not remember things you said or did, did they ever happen and was that you?  How authentic do my words and actions have to be in order for them to be true to my intentions?  I read what I sent her and I don't remember writing this, but it had clarity in terms of how I felt and what I was going through.  My friend asked me how my recovery was going.  She tried to encourage me by saying how we all search for things that give meaning to the meaningless.  I include it today because it really illustrates how I was caught in the middle of two worlds and the decision of having to choose which world I was going to be a part of.

hey [blank name], thank you for reaching out. i know this search that you speak of - for myself, I always had an idea of what the future would be like when I was younger - as I got older and my dreams met reality, i was throughly disappointed - i found comfort in something else - the paradox is that it made me feel great emotionally and I was at the top of my game is all categories, at first at least...but then it slowly started to burn away parts of my soul until i ended up charred and cancerous to anything I touched or was involved in - the decay that went on inside me was so dark and decadent, i really thought suicide would be the best option, because the pain was unbearable. seriously, day after day, month after month, year after year, how much can a person take before they ask for a reprieve of this insanity that shreds away everything that is good and filled with light around us?
...
I want to stay in the hemisphere of nurturance and growth. i guess my desire to do so indicates my need for evolving onto the next stage of my life. once in awhile, i look into peoples eyes and I see peace and contentment, and I say “i want that” - for people like me, the search and understanding is a bit harder, but i think the payoff is more satisfying as well- i always wanted to keep in my inferiority, my weaknesses, my fears…i wanted to show the world the better version of myself and hide the truth, because who wants to be defective? but…i don’t know, enough is enough, and usually by sharing something, it gives it the opportunity to vacate mind space so that something positive and healing can replace it - i do not know if I will ever give up the search for meaning in this sometimes absurd theater called life, but staying present helps and when thoughts start to drift, I recognize I have to reel it back in before my hook catches another nasty fish, something that may swallow me whole - having a good network of people has also been a life saver, literally.

Birds of A Feather

I don't know if this is happening to me because I am becoming more clear headed or if its the fact that I'm get older.  Its not anything profound to say that as we age, we fine-tune ourselves regarding our likes and dislikes.  In my 20's, I was quite tolerable of many situations and scenarios that if were played in the present day, would be annoying and anxiety causing.  At one point, I did not care about the type of crowd I associated with.  I thought that everyone deserves a chance and that its stupid to judge people.  I was more of an idealists wanting to travel the world on a backpack and curse the existence of having a career, which I believed was what people who gave up on the adventure and spontaneity of life did.  I did not want to be lame like that.  I wanted my life to be more than a 9-5.



Experience has showed me that trusting and investing time in the wrong people does damage to my personal growth.  Perhaps its a lesson that I'm still trying to learn.  Just this past week, I was helping a friend move and I happen to come across a pedestrian asking me for a cigarette.  Of course, its not a problem, I let loose a clip and went back to work.  The next day, as I was still helping with the move again, I bump into this dude...again.  He lives in the neighborhood so its not that shocking.  He asks me for another cigarette and I oblige.  Now, I'm the type of person that can get along with anyone and also hang out with anyone.  



Once upon a time, I thought it was the coolest thing to hang out with people who are odd in their behavior.  It seemed refreshing and that I was going against the crowd.   I want to make it clear that I still enjoy hanging with different kind of folks, but I look for a central theme in them regarding their philosophy on life, their morals, and the code of conduct they live by.  I want to associate with people who's are somewhat aligned with the way I view and contribute to life.   I definitely discriminate the people I want around me.

So anyway, I was bullshitting with this guy.  He was a heavy-set Indian dude with glasses and a had a light mustache.  He thought I was cool so he asked for my number and said we could hang out one day.  I said why the hell not and I gave it to him.  Talking to him, my instincts were telling me something was off with this character but I couldn't place a reason as to why I thought this way.  A few days later I get a text asking to hang.  I said no, not today.  End of story.  A couple of days later, another text.  It just so happened that I was busy and distracted to reach out to him at that moment, so I had just ignored it.  Then he called me late at night that same day.  I'm working on my intuition and something was pulling me towards the judgment of not wanting to associate with this character any longer.  


He tried to call me again the next day and I ignored, again.  (Ignoring feature on a cell-phone is the greatest gift to people with low-self esteem..you feel so god-like deciding the fate of that potential call).  So after I ignored the call, I get a call the next day or so from a private number.  I picked up and it was him.  I immediately hung up.  I then start to get a set of bizarre texts.  "Whats up with you?"  I got a few more that I can't remember but these were texts you send to someone you know for a while, not someone you just met.  I then get a text calling me a "Retard"....I then knew that this person was a buffoon and I should never have given him my number.  He periodically texts me every other day or so, acting as if I am responding, but I'm not.  



Why do I attract these morons to me?  Here I am, trying to live a wholesome life, giving people a chance, and trying to be someone who helps someone in need.  My problem is I have always directed that to people that don't deserve it.  Either they are morally corrupt, strange to the point of being uncomfortable, crude, violent, or uneducated.  Not sure why I'm giving off the vibe that says "Hey, if you have shit for brains, lets grab coffee and smoke a doob."  NO MORE OF THIS.  I have to be a better discriminator as to who I'm trying to associate with.