Depression, Life, and Self-Pity ~ Ain't Life Grand?

So I am down to 1mg of suboxone a day.  I'm dropping it down every two weeks so the schedule for dosing will be 1.0 then .6 then .4 then .2 then .1 and I jump.  I think to myself that I am perhaps not feeling the best I can be because I still have an opiate in my system.  Things sometimes really get to me, like friends not contacting me back on facebook for example.  That seems so trivial but I do not understand how you can reach out to a person and they just ignore you until the time THEY decide they want to contact you.




I fall into depression very easily.  I'm taking webutrin and 5-htp.  The 5-htp gives me the good feeling I need but I still lack energy.  I feel I lost that spark in life that gets me to get up and go...to seize the day.  I should be happy and energized when I wake up, but to be honest, morning times are the worst times for me.  In this world, I feel very lonely.  I debate in my mind that maybe instead of stopping opiates, I can do 2mg of suboxone indefinitely, and then do heroin once a week.  I do not think like this because I want to fall back into that lifestyle that left me lonely, depressed, and shattered (emotionally, physically, and spiritually).  I just get a reprieve from feeling miserable to feeling good when I do use. 








I do not want to do this and I am hoping I do not do this.  This is a terrible idea.  I did quit dope and all drugs...no suboxone, for 6 months, but then I relapsed because I dated someone in rehab.  Now my plan is to be off suboxone and fight like hell with the urges.  I can smoke pot, but pot makes me very tired and I'm already a chill person to begin with, pot is just overkill.  Occasionally, I do like to smoke bud and go see a movie or go to the museum but those days are few and far between.  Another thing I do not like about meeting is that if I express to people that I occasionally smoke and drink, then they make me feel like a failure because I'm not adhering to the lifestyle of abstinence from everything.





I do like the benefits of meetings though because I hear my own life and struggles through other people, so in that way, I will continue to go to meetings every now and then.  I always thought that I need someone or something in my life to give it meaning and happiness.  I wait for that day that is never today, its always tomorrow.  Its devastating when you feel alone, lonely, and depressed in this world.  All I ever wanted was someone to love and a good career.  I see happiness and love in other people's lives but its so devoid from my own life, that I begin to pity myself.





Maybe I'm just going to end up dead anyway. If I am to be lonely, sad, and depressed, then why not continue to be a drug addict.  I slipped into this lifestyle because the world rejected me.  And now that I am clean from opiate use, I am too eccentric for people.  I never fit in anyway.  In that way, I do not think all the anti-depressants can change that.  Sometimes I wonder why I even continue a blog like this.  Its stupid, it doesn't help people, I selfishly use it for myself to chronicle how fucked up my mind is and how I pity myself.  

If I die from using, it will be a testament I'll leave for anyone around who still cares.  But I'm going to snap out of it.  Emotions come and go...I'm going to ride out this shitty feeling.  I am going to taper off and jump off suboxone and make an attempt to live a good, hard working life.  In the back of my mind, I know that I always have the option of using heroin again, but at this point, that decision will be the end of me, so i will hold off as much as possible.  I just want to be happy, be loved, and love someone.