How You Can Help Me ~ Thank You and Suggestions

If you have any topic or issues central to the theme of "Life Beyond Heroin" that you would like me to discuss or elaborate on, please advise me.  Let me know if what you read helps or if there are areas that need improvement.






I don't promote this blog too much, I just figure if its decent, then it will generate followers naturally and people will recommend it to their network.  I know time is valuable and you can read anything out there, thank you for giving me a venue to express myself to the greater audience out there.  If you like what you read, please pass it on.





Thank you for all the positive feedback I have been receiving.  I hope this continues to help others or at the very least, is entertaining as you get a glimpse of my life as I attempt to live it devoid of dark matter.  

Realizations and Expectations

Reflections

"I'll start this off with not any words,

I got so high, I scratched 'till I bled.  I love myself better than you.  I know its wrong, but what shall I do?" - K.C.

Life is moments, shared with people or by ourselves.  We are gifted with free-will and time by the universe. What we choose to do with it makes us each our own god, which is why I believe Nietzsche said "god is dead.”  Sometimes I'm blown away about the nature of addiction.  It is such a cunning and stealth force to me.  I mean, with all that I have been through in my life, I can recall how with each relapse, I had rationalized that perhaps I was not an addict.  I learned what to do now in order to not get "carried away."  How many times did I deceive myself with that bullshit.  It didn't take much to get me to relapse.  

Feeling pity for myself was a great gateway to relapse, as was jealously and envy.  Everyone in the world has formatted themselves so elegantly and purposefully, but here I am, wandering the lands as a lone wolf, with my metaphoric long hair and beard, humming to myself, convincing myself that I am so unique, that I am an artist tortured by the cruelty that is luck, the cruelty that is my destiny in this life, as dictated by the universe.  Now those sentences I just wrote there...ha!!  What kind of ego do I have?  What is really holding me back?  What are my limitations?  

When I read how a paraplegic has sailed the world on a solo trip while I'm nodding out in the basement of my house, with bottles of piss around me, that should flare up some kind of inspiration in my life.  Its a great saying that "the greatest limitations in life are the one's we set on ourselves."  That statement is church and I keep in mind whenever I have an obstacle in life.  

No longer will I continue this pity parade party and look for another accuse to use.  I say to myself that "I can't do this," which instead, I should be saying "Why can't I do this."  No longer will I succumb to being alone in misery, working as a slave to my drug, having the my soul and everything that makes me who I am raped by drug addiction.  Those times I would awake to gatorade piss bottles around me, I recall the stench that lingered in my room.  Smelled like rain on metal along with intense body oder which made my whole living quarters reek.  I must keep these memories burned brightly in my mind so I can never forget what waits for me if I make the wrong decision.

My Mouth Has Run Out of Ink

To keep a persons attention when speaking or talking or writing is rather a difficult action to perform.  For example, if I am at a party with several people I want to talk about something funny or unusual that happened to me, I'm not able to get that across.  A good story teller knows how to keep pace and have some type of cohesion their narrative.  I'm sure it doesn't help that when I speak or write, I have an odd arrangement structure.  I hate saying phrases and avoid them completely.  Sometimes its difficult because it seems I blurt them out because its at the earliest level of recall on my mind, thus making its retrieval from my memory bank easy and effortless.  I feel strange when it happens.  I'm not sure if you can understand.  For example, if someone has their birthday on facebook, you see the same message, "happy birthday" blah blah blah.  When I write this, I feel that I should be saying more since automatic responses seem to not have any feeling to them.  It could also all be in my head.  After all, saying happy birthday is enough sometimes...or is it?  I try to avoid robotic responses as much as possible.  This takes its own balance though, since if you are too out there you become...yes! You know it!!!.... "that weird guy!!!"

I get bored easily and as I have been around addicts and the recovery community for a few years now, I notice that its a common sentiment. Am I the only addict that does that?  I do not know why I default into a defense mode in all my conversations in the form of needing to always explain and prove whatever it is I am saying.  I have a sense that no one has trust in me or in what I am saying.  I pride myself on being a mysterious character, but what am I really leaving to the imagination if I spell out everything I say or do?  Am trying to get a certain image across?  Am I that worried that the wrong impression of me is being conveyed by how speak and the content to which I am speaking of?

Spark

Drugs were appealing to me because they are fun and also serve as an enhancement to every activity I can perform.  I believed that when I was using, that it would serve as a catalyst for some kind of creative inspiration.  Most of the time, I just was there as a lump of muscles with electric circuitry buzzing around....a train with the conductor asleep at the wheel.  I have a warped sense of processing things.  Many thoughts and notions I have, I do not know if others share it as well.  

Where is that point in life where it doesn't matter what anyone says.  For example, people labeled me as a strange dude because I had a different approach in life.  I conduct myself differently, yes that is true.  I do not want to follow the crowd.  I want to lead my own way and if others are there with me on the road, then I have companions.  But if not then I still have to tread away in the direction of growth, positive thinking, and hope. The reason people do not like change is that everyday is predictable.  Those people who follow their dreams take the risk and have faith that as long as they are pursuing their passion, things will work out.  I want to and need to believe that as long as I'm a good person, with good intentions, then I will be taken care of in the greater sense.  Its called a leap of faith because you are essentially leaping into the unknown.  Change, no matter how uneasy it makes me feel, is essential to my growth.   

As my body and mind start to heal, I can still shake my head at some of my friends and family members who think that yelling or making me feel horrible for having an addiction was a good method to help me.  I do not have time for judgmental people like that anymore, blood or no blood.  I have been through so much, my tolerance for annoyance is not high.  Its easy for me to pick apart people and point out the misery known as their everyday life, but I do not want to because I do not want negativity and bad karma to breed.  I have wasted years of my life and time is precious.  I will honor time by being as real as I can be with people.  

I don't want to be around any shady people or people who feel that life owes them so they will take advantage of situations (gas attendant gives you too much money and you keep it for yourself because oil companies make so much money anyway, or you are eating with your friends at a restaurant, everyone tips high because the service was good and you take advantage by paying lower because the situation worked for your favor).  No, I do not tolerate that nor do I want to be around it. I hate these situations but I also find them as a great way to teach me a lesson. You really learn about people by experiencing situations together and noting their reactions. I'm trying to be a giver.  Sometimes, when I get in my guru/meditation mode, I speak in my mind the following:

Teach Not Can I,

Teacher All 

Recovery Meetings

I’ll expand on my thoughts regarding recovery meetings.  Every now and then, I attend an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting.  In my area, the AA meetings have a stronger dedicated sober group than the other option, Narcotics Anonymous. Though I’m not an alcoholic, the message is the same no matter what your addiction is.  I use meetings as a supplement to my overall attempt to revolutionize my life and my way of thinking.

At the beginning of my attempts to live a sober life, AA was a safe place to be.  I knew I would be safe for that hour.  These days, I cannot dedicate myself 100% to the cause because I have a differing opinion regarding abstinence.  I seldom drink and smoke pot but I want to enjoy the occasions when I do.  The AA approach is either all in or nothing.  That doesn't work for me.

The AA and other support groups say that if I am not abstaining from ALL substances, then relapse is a given.  I would be viewed as a clean person but not a sober person.  People will also point out that nothing will change in my life, I will be miserable because I’m not addressing the internal causes that AA/NA seem to focus on as the core to full recovery, which is the 12 steps.  They will say I will fail because I am taking recovery in my own hands.  

I will always feel judged and viewed as less than because of my view on using pot and drinking. If I try to address this to anyone who is in a support group, they feel sorry for me because "I don't get it" and that "AA will be waiting for you when you're ready."  The 12 steps are an essential recovery tool but I can take what I learn from the teachings and taylor it to my own personal life.  Why must this be the be-all end-all?  Why are recovery meetings perceived as the only game in town?

One thing that has died in me is that feeling to please other people.  At one point, I wanted to make sure everyone was my friend in all circles of my life.  I had to make sure I was funny and that I was also dumb, this way, I made people feel better because I am the butt of the joke.  In my mind, those were sacrifices that I were fine with making because I do not want to go on this journey of life alone.

The person I am now doesn’t give a shit about impressing people anymore or explaining myself or my actions.  Be it friends or family, I’m not wasting my energy anymore being an advocate of why I’m living the way I’m living.  I have a zero tolerance approach.  I do not need friends or family that will always bring up the negatives I did in life. Yes, I screwed up, stop fuckin' reminding me and appreciate that right now, I am not that person.  How can I grow when you keep attempting to stunt my growth...FUCK OFF! 

I’m learning to stabilize my mood now that I do not use opiates whenever I am feeling uneasy.  There are certain people in my life that when I am in their company, they treat me like a child or they bring up things I did in the past.  I do not want to argue with these people.  Its more easy for me to ignore then and let them fall away by the wayside.  If I am in a good mood, being with these type of individuals really shakes the foundation I am trying to strengthen.  

Perhaps I am too hard on people, but if I do not treat people like that, why is it coming back to me then?  There are certain people that when I talk to on the phone, it always end up flaring anger in me, which makes me feel as if I’m not progressing in my attempt to better myself.  I have to spend the entire length of the conversation explaining myself, again, and pointing out the inconstancies or inaccuracies in the other person’s assessment of me, along with their warped sense of perception. 

Well, I am finished with that.  I’m very comfortable living life alone without anyone.  Now, is that the life I want?  Of course not!  I stated the key in recovery from depression and addiction is to be socially involved, albeit people that add to your character and not take away from it.  Light breeds light, dark breeds dark.   My relationships with people are like a piece of fruit, the rotten part of it are the people who hold me back.  Once I cut away that part, I can enjoy the fruit much better.  The quality of my relationships will improve based on who I chose to surround myself with.  Why go through the same exhausting cycle with people who will never change?  Why not dedicate time to gaining new friends or a new network that will enhance your nature?

There are friends I have now that make me question the relevance on their friendship. What am I giving them, what are they giving me?   This is how I do it, I treat a person with respect, I do not judge what you did or who you are.  I do not minimize your achievements.  If you believe in something, I will not point out the negative side of it.  If your heart is good then we can roll together, but if there is any darkness in you or your a person that doesn’t compromise or sacrifice, then I do not want to associate with you any longer.  Anyway I say this, it will come across as if I am saying I am the greatest person ever and all people should model themselves after me.  I am not, I am just a person that knows what he wants and knows what he doesn’t want, how is that arrogance?  How is it arrogant that when am with you, I’m empowering you.  This is not ass kissing or being a sycophant, I’m just being real with you.  If you weren’t a good person or a quality person, we wouldn’t be together in the first place.

"Time sucks us closer to death with every tick.
Its time for me to value, respect and honor it by valuing, 
respecting, and honoring myself" --self

There are friends now that I cannot hang out with anymore because their philosophy on life differs from mine.  I value time, I value making the most of my time.  I need to do something productive.  In the past, I  tolerated the aspects of my relationships that annoyed me; i.e., bringing up the negative all the time, bringing up the past (I hate that!), being a cheap tipper, being selfish, not compromising for the sake of the situation, not valuing the preciousness of time, not keeping an open mind, etc.

It doesn’t matter, anyway I express this, it will come across as if I’m pontificating the ideal person.  I’m not, this is what works for me.  You will have your own life philosophy and that is neither better or worse than mine.  What this does is that it makes likes attract and unlikes detach.  You are who you are friends with.  You are unique and I am unique, lets embrace it without being ashamed anymore or caring what anyone says.  Life will be over soon and on your deathbed, you may realize how trivial and meaningless this all is.  I do not want to die and as I am dying, wish that I did this or that.  I want to do the most I can and experience all that I can...the good, the bad, and the ugly, because its what make me who I am.  My goal in life is to learn and with every sunrise, I plan to do better than yesterday.  

Let me get back on track here (perfect example of going on a tangent, I'm also like this in conversations in real life).  AA gave me hope and made me connect with some people that are very important to me now.   I'm glad that people have changed their lives and have dug out of the pit of active addiction.  I respect whatever they are doing now, as long as the end-result is the same.  Why can I not get that in return?    

I will still go to meetings occasionally and not voice my discontent with the people who live and breathe AA, because if I did, then I would be like one of those people I was describing above. As I said before, why do I have to spend my energy on making convincing people either this or that?  What I am going to do is live my life and for those who will judge me , then it is a good indicator of people who are useless to my life journey.  I will butcher the fat from the meat and be done with it. 

Positive Vibrations and My Daily Activity to Battle the Waves of Fear and the Unknown

It seems like the last few posts have been rather negative and paints me with a dour state of mind.  Here 

is the thing, I am happy, but I go through waves of battling a combination of depression, a broken heart, addiction, and anxiety.  Everything comes down to fear.  For me, I used drugs to deal with any and all fears.  It gave me the illusion that I was being my best self because it eliminated fear from me.  The lesson learned is that if I can banish fear from my life, I can breathe freely.  Of course, it seems that fear is ingrained in my bones.   I am doing good though.

It sounds like the same old same old, but its consequence.  I did the worst drug out there and I destroyed my image of myself, down to the spiritual and physical core.  Do I expect to bounce back and have the world accept me?  My approach now is to do what I have to do to stay above the water and enjoy the days when the weather is nice and also smile when weather is overcast.  Life is short and this time last year, I was begging for death.  Now, I just want to live and have opportunities to be the person I thought I would be and not this victim of a false sense of security.  The high is never worth it. 

What I Do Now:

• Exercise:  I cycle/run every two or three days for about 30 minutes to an hour.  Natural endorphins help in early recovery.  I have to get it wherever the source may be.  Exercising is a leading endorphins releaser/booster.
• Diet:  I cut out coca cola and fast food.  Nothing high in sugar.  Plenty of fruit. Plenty of water.  4 light to medium meals instead of 3 heavy meals.
• Mental:
• Wellbutrin 300m XL:  Not sure if this works or not.  As I have mentioned previously, at one point, I was on about 5 to 7 different kind of psych meds.  Even then, I couldn't feel that much of a difference.  This is what I know about psych meds (at least for me):  It is subtle, I never expect them to be like MDMA or ecstasy where I am happy with a plastered smile.  I take Wellbutrin because it gives me a little boost since morning times are the most difficult times for me...that is when my depression is at the worst sometimes.
• 5-HTP:  I never thought that something over-the-counter would work but it does.  I didn't believe it myself until I stop taking it (100mg once a day during the morning time with vitamin B; vitamin B works as a transporter).  I also am advised not to eat for two hours after I take it.  For sure, I can feel the difference when I do not take it.  It makes me feel good in the most natural way.
• Suboxone:  Started at 8.0 mg, now I am at 0.4.  Yes, its insane but I have to get lower and eventually jump off.  My goal is to jump when I'm down to .05, which is like a crumb of bread.
• Reading:  I try to do this everyday, its a way to improve my intellect and also a safe way to escape for awhile.  I read about an hour or two per day.
• Socializing:  As much as I am an introvert and I like my alone time, I have researched that the more time you are social, the less chance of becoming victim (or hostage) to any bouts of depression and anxiety.  So I do this even though its rather difficult, but the difficulty is usually in my head.  The build up to that hang out.  I relate it to exercising. Thinking about it, I can talk myself out of it, but once I am engaged, that its really all good.
• Blog:  I sometimes wonder if anyone is reading this or getting help from it.  In a selfish way, it doesn't matter.  I can't do things for other people when I'm not right.  But the beauty of this is that an addict knows how another addict feels.  Many times in a meeting, I heard my thoughts in other peoples voices.  It would make me feel better knowing that someone was able to articulate the thoughts in my head that seemed to be very unique to me.  I'm not that special when I feel that no one feels how I feel.  Apparently, some people do and they are living life as a whole.
• Spiritual:  This is one I need to work on.  I should go to meetings or meet other addicts to speak to them, but I don't really participate.  I regard myself as spiritual and I rely on my intuition.  Instincts are innate and we deny them because science and logic negate the realistic value of that, but its about having faith.  Whenever I look to the past, my instincts have always told me the answers I needed, but I never trusted them.  Now I'm learning to.

The past few weeks have been much better.  That dark cloud seems to have dissipated for now, but its only natural to go through waves of feeling good and feeling not so good.  Honestly, they come and go, and I know that if I am not feeling great at this moment, I can do things that can change that around.  The key, for me, is to recognize this and take action.

I was exhibiting unhealthy behavior such as visiting drug message board websites or youtube videos about heroin/drugs/whatever.  I avoid it now and the triggers/urges are very low.  Something else that bothers me is that I want to fix the relationships I destroyed during my drug rampage, but many people do not want to speak to me, block me, or consider me dead, and let me know this.  It hurts because like most addicts, I'm very sensitive to emotions.  I can feel more deeply and things bother me more potently for a much longer period of time.

The break-up I had with the only girl I ever loved in life taught me something.  I always thought nothing comes close to a heroin high.  The feeling is unbelievable and nourishing.  My friends, true love (for me) is the best feeling I have ever felt and it trumps any drug use by a wide margin.  When I was in love, I felt connected to the universe and to people around me.  I had a glimpse of what awaits me if I get my shit together.  That is what I am going to do.  I will be staying in Europe until September.  I want a strong foundation before I go back to the real world.  For now, I will continue to work on myself.  Consequence, actions, fear, and moving forward....subjects that have swirled in my mind.  A few weeks ago I knew nothing about myself in regards to these topics but by thinking about them and really breaking them down, I have matured in my approach to them.  It aids me in my recovery.  I do not want to live a fear-based life anymore.  I fear the worst, but I have lived through some horrible months/years of life, so anything I do will be better by default.  Now I just have to take the next step and after that, the next step....

A Cup of Tea, A Dream of Love, a Day of Wants...Passing Thoughts

The weather has been pretty shitty where I have been living.  I know they say geographically changes are not a good solution but its working for me so far.  Granted, I have urges to use and I think about using.  However, I am in a place that I have no connections or no areas where I can score heroin.  I understand what the point is of geographically changes, in regards to why its not an answer.  You cannot run away from drug addiction.  It follows you wherever you go.  Wherever you go, there you are.  My approach is that I cut myself off from the life I was living.  "Living" I should say.  I wasn't living.  I was waking up sick every morning, then stealing from my parents and their friends to support my drug habit.  There were many days I woke up in tears because I couldn't believe the life that I created before me.  It was all my fault.  No one made me who I am today.  I just followed my urges and applied my philosophy of "life is too short" and experimented frequently.  I rationalized my drug use because I was successful.  I have a graduate degree, I'm fairly smart, I was making a lot of money, great social life, I was successful in every way possible...big life savings, 401k, property, business propositions.....  That all slipped away from me to the point where I began to shit in garbage bags (liquid) and vomit daily.  That was near the end though. 

If there was a way where I could use without consequences, I would.  I wish I had someone to love.  Falling in love is better than heroin.  Making love to someone you care about takes you to another dimension in life.  I often wondered how a person like me, who is sensitive, emotional, yet strong, could be so devoid of love when I know I would be the best at loving someone.  I see the people around me that have such free spirits, laughing, enjoying life, enjoying family, etc...and I pity myself for not having this.  I blame the universe for fucking me over.

I'm dropping my suboxone dosage to .6 in two days, and in about two weeks, I am leaving Europe to move back to the states.  Of course I am nervous.  I wake up so drained at times.  It seems I have no juice in my tank.  No drive.  I truly do not know what to do or how to live a good life.  Should I continue with psych meds?  They are not helping.  What should I do?  What do other people do in this situation?  I thought I was supposed to have a pink cloud and that life would transform itself in front of me, but nothing has happened.  I feel miserable, sad, and lonely.  

Depression, Life, and Self-Pity ~ Ain't Life Grand?

So I am down to 1mg of suboxone a day.  I'm dropping it down every two weeks so the schedule for dosing will be 1.0 then .6 then .4 then .2 then .1 and I jump.  I think to myself that I am perhaps not feeling the best I can be because I still have an opiate in my system.  Things sometimes really get to me, like friends not contacting me back on facebook for example.  That seems so trivial but I do not understand how you can reach out to a person and they just ignore you until the time THEY decide they want to contact you.




I fall into depression very easily.  I'm taking webutrin and 5-htp.  The 5-htp gives me the good feeling I need but I still lack energy.  I feel I lost that spark in life that gets me to get up and go...to seize the day.  I should be happy and energized when I wake up, but to be honest, morning times are the worst times for me.  In this world, I feel very lonely.  I debate in my mind that maybe instead of stopping opiates, I can do 2mg of suboxone indefinitely, and then do heroin once a week.  I do not think like this because I want to fall back into that lifestyle that left me lonely, depressed, and shattered (emotionally, physically, and spiritually).  I just get a reprieve from feeling miserable to feeling good when I do use. 








I do not want to do this and I am hoping I do not do this.  This is a terrible idea.  I did quit dope and all drugs...no suboxone, for 6 months, but then I relapsed because I dated someone in rehab.  Now my plan is to be off suboxone and fight like hell with the urges.  I can smoke pot, but pot makes me very tired and I'm already a chill person to begin with, pot is just overkill.  Occasionally, I do like to smoke bud and go see a movie or go to the museum but those days are few and far between.  Another thing I do not like about meeting is that if I express to people that I occasionally smoke and drink, then they make me feel like a failure because I'm not adhering to the lifestyle of abstinence from everything.





I do like the benefits of meetings though because I hear my own life and struggles through other people, so in that way, I will continue to go to meetings every now and then.  I always thought that I need someone or something in my life to give it meaning and happiness.  I wait for that day that is never today, its always tomorrow.  Its devastating when you feel alone, lonely, and depressed in this world.  All I ever wanted was someone to love and a good career.  I see happiness and love in other people's lives but its so devoid from my own life, that I begin to pity myself.





Maybe I'm just going to end up dead anyway. If I am to be lonely, sad, and depressed, then why not continue to be a drug addict.  I slipped into this lifestyle because the world rejected me.  And now that I am clean from opiate use, I am too eccentric for people.  I never fit in anyway.  In that way, I do not think all the anti-depressants can change that.  Sometimes I wonder why I even continue a blog like this.  Its stupid, it doesn't help people, I selfishly use it for myself to chronicle how fucked up my mind is and how I pity myself.  

If I die from using, it will be a testament I'll leave for anyone around who still cares.  But I'm going to snap out of it.  Emotions come and go...I'm going to ride out this shitty feeling.  I am going to taper off and jump off suboxone and make an attempt to live a good, hard working life.  In the back of my mind, I know that I always have the option of using heroin again, but at this point, that decision will be the end of me, so i will hold off as much as possible.  I just want to be happy, be loved, and love someone.

Remembering My Using Days...."Vacation" time aka How Do I Take Enough With Me?

So about 2 years ago, a friend of mine had complimentary tickets on an Greek Island yacht cruise.  At this point in my life, I had lost my job, my apartment, and I was in debt.  I was living with mom and dad (gotta love your parents, I can cry now just thinking about what a disappointment I am to them).  My friend didn't know the extent of my heroin addiction at that time.  I was only snorting at this point.  Of course, this is a situation an addict dreads but every now and then, it happens.  I was going to be away with no source.  I have never had a problem scoring drugs in my life...coke is everywhere and so is pot, but these are (more or less) socially tolerable drugs.  Prior to becoming a heroin addict, I always loved the challenge of scoring in a different country, picking up nuances that let you know "hey, I'm that guy, what you need?"






Heroin is different though.  The former mentioned drugs, I can live with or without.  My world will not fall apart if I don't have blow or I'm not smoking pot, but if I am 12 to 18 hours without an opiate in my body, its approaching midnight on the doomsday clock.  I have never had luck scoring heroin outside the U.S.  Unless I'm going to SouthEast Asia, I will be shit out of luck.  In the time before I was set to leave, I was brainstorming ways to smuggle my needed drugs with me.  I was leaving for about 10 days, and my plan was to ween off heroin in the first 5 days, and then have a mild withdrawal.  So I bought about a brick worth of heroin and I also decided to bring some coke since...well....why not?Prior to going through security, I thought to myself that if I were to get caught, I would be fucked royally.  In my head, I would let them know the truth.  I'm not a criminal, I do not want to sell this, but this is my medicine, for better or worse (minus the coke).  By a miracle of God, I made it past security and celebrated.  I told my friend "look at me, I'm so fuckin cool."  Yes, I'm a real hero aren't I?  I did a lot more than I should have, prior to getting on the flight.  The coke was all gone (I didn't really bring that much with me) and the heroin had a nice dent in it.   Damn, that airplane ride I did not remember a thing besides that it was so comfortable.  I must have watched the same movie about 4 times because I kept nodding out for half hour chunks.  I'm getting triggered just writing this actually.






So the heroin did not last me 5 days, I ripped through it in 2 days thinking that I want to get this shit over with.  My vacation was hell.  I was without hope, without help, emotionally fucked up, and physically weak.  It really hit me how much of an addict I am.  I saw families together, couples, and all sorts of life.  I saw people smiling and laughing and I felt jealous.  That is all I ever wanted in life.  To be truly happy, to laugh honestly and from my soul and not live this theatrical farce I was starring in.   I will never have a family or someone to love.  I will never be happy or smile or laugh.  I will live in a limbo state of misery and comfortable misery until I die.  This is how I used to think.  Sometimes I still think like that.  Right now, I have a lot of clean time, granted with the help of suboxone, but I consider it clean time.  But my mind has been fantasizing about using for about 2 weeks now.  I am very scared that its a matter of when and not if.  Please understand, its the greatest paradox of all.  I want to stop and be pure and whole again, but the emptiness and loneliness and the purposefulness is a void that is too much.  Even with suboxone and wellbutrin, I feel isolated and alone.

It doesn't matter where I travel to, what "paradise" I am in, where ever I go, if I take my addiction with me, the world is black, and death suffocates my soul slowly and slowly.  As soon as I made it back to the States, in a matter of hours, I was able to cop more dope.  This is truly an amazing drug.  How can it do so much damage but I keep going to it again and again?  How many time in life do I wish I never had tried opiates?   Because of it, its ruined my life.  I can never live a normal life again.  Even if I am sober until I die, there is always that whispering voice in my head that tells me "just once."  How strong can I be?  How can I fight this forever?   I feel quite sad and alone today, I thought this would help, but it hasn't.  Sometimes music helps...today I'm listening to Kool G Rap.  Check out the lyrics to this.  Quite a masterpiece:  Song about the struggles of all types of addictions

Regret - Temptation - Reprieve -- Where Are You?

Below is how Heroin is marketed...stamp names so you know who hasthe best dope around so when you come back you ask for it by name.   I like the ones that say thingslike "RIP" or "Lethal Injection."  Its dark humor at its finest.

When I fall into this trap, I have people around me that tell me that I should stop feeling pity for myself.  It's very easy to say "move on" but the losses are devastating.  Over the course of a few years, I lost everything that meant anything to me, from personal possessions to life long friendships to respect in the business community.  All of it shot down. Stealing from family and going to pawn shops, I would never think that was me.  I was rationalizing my use like this:  I do not party or go out, I like to be educated, hang out with people who are liked minded, do volunteer on the weekends, and help out any friends or family that needed me on some weekends.  I was also in graduate school.  Why can't I have an addiction if it makes me a better person?  I should feel great now but honestly I don't sometimes.  Perhaps I lost too much of myself using to ever go back to a normal life?  Its like at the end of Lord of the Rings, the hobbit couldn't go back to his village, not after all he has seen and done.




Okay, perhaps a bit melodramatic but the truth of it is, that these fucking urges are annoying.  I should realize what hell this took me too, but even with that acknowledgment, there is a urge to want to enter that world again.  The process of the preparation of the needle and the injection followed by instant relief is burned on my mind so heavy.  Why can I not remember the days of having no home, no money to eat, shitting myself, crying day and night, and so on...Instead, I engage in the behavior of day dreaming about using.

Its very defeating sometimes to think like this all the time.  This can't be the way I will live my life, can it?  To always have to be on the defense?  Some say stay on suboxone for life but I rather not, even the 6 months or so I have been on it, I think its too much.  I am slowly tapering off that but I notice now that the cravings and urges have come back because my dose is getting lower and lower.

Is regret a trigger for me?  No its not, its just adds wood the my self-pity fire.  Somedays I just wake up so depressed because I had it all and lost it.  Whats worse is the lingering feeling of wanting to use again.  How could I think like that?  Why do I still think these things?  Will they ever leave me or is it here for life?  How can I be strong and on the defense forever?  How I stay sober is that I exercise daily, whether its biking or walking.  I also do yoga and I try to do at least one or two meetings per weeks.  I did mention that the NA AA doesn't work for me, as a be all end all, but I take what I gain from the meetings.  It is a supplement to my recovery but not a primary component.  Again, this is how my recovery works, for many, they would say that I'm struggling but people should do what is in their best interest in hopes to remain sober from their drug of choice.  Its only been tempting me this past couple of weeks.  I then google heroin news in the towns I use to cop in, and then these stupid message boards where people review heroin stamps.  I mean, no wonder this is happening but I feel helpless and hopeless some time.







I am leaving in a few months to go back to the US and I am glad I feel this now, I have to make sure by the time I leave for home again, I'm as solid as I can be because if this was how I would feel if I were at home, it would be only a matter of time...what a sad, pathetic, and hard life I have given birth too.  Where is my reprieve?