I recently had this as a suggested as a topic to cover and its very interesting to discuss it, mostly because its uncomfortable. I was able to systematically destroy every single relationship I had. From my place of work, to my university where I was studying in graduate school, to my childhood friends, to girlfriends, the outer circle of my family, and finally the inner circle of my family.
My mind is hazy in regards to when I went from a drug user to a drug addict, but I pin it around 2008. I realized that the first time I was dope sick, that something is not right here, but I could still stop then, albeit I was sick for a couple days…nothing near what a cold turkey detox would be, and I would have enough of those coming up, thank you.
I love the line from the health ledger movie “candy”…about a couple in the throws of heroin addiction. “When you can stop, you don’t want to…when you want to stop, you can’t”.
Yes this exactly. Going through the pain of stopping is not just being physically sick. To be honest with you, I’m used to the first week of what a cold turkey detox brings. I was never one to throw up, but diarrhea…stomach cramps, extreme fatigue that i can’t even put to words, foul smell from my body, foul smell from my mouth…my bones felt like pieces of coal on fire…getting literally no sleep for days on end, wondering if I would die or hallucinate from a lack of sleep, no appetite, except for a candy bar and coca cola. Thats about it. Thats the easy part. The rough part? The anxiety, the heavy hand of depression, a cloud so dark that death is an acceptable solution. Since I have gone through this before, after 30 days, I felt about 50% better, then 10% each month thereafter.
A friend of mine told me that it takes about 1 to 2 years for the obsession to use to fade away to a tiny light, but its a light that can always be ignited if I take the wrong step.
I can say for now, I have no obsession to use. The drug dreams are annoying, because its not real. Do I want to use? Of course I do. Going to night life places suck, because I need drugs to have a good time. Addiction is the titanic on the ocean, there is no such thing as an instant 180…the ship slowly turns, and with it, people addicted to any substance can take small steps. Exercising, eating right, avoiding triggers that make you use, avoiding friends you used to have, or places you use to go…introducing new hobbies, traveling the world, volunteering, gardening, music….I take things slowly now and I’m in a much better state than a couple of months ago. I learned acceptance. Shit happened. Anyone can kick a heroin habit, I know from experience that I can and many people I met can. But staying clean, well thats the money shot. The longest string of sobriety I have put together is 6 or 7 months. Right now, I am about a month “clean” from suboxone. I couldn’t just stop suboxone, because going one day without it, I was feeling horrible, as equal to kicking dope cold turkey. I started on 8mg and got down to .02 and .02 I still felt terrible. I wanted to write about how I did but had second thoughts. I know I will be judged from it but fuck it, maybe it will help someone addicted to suboxone or methadone. Those two are like getting pine tar on your fingers but replace pine tar with opiods and fingers with your brain receptors. The detox doesn’t even start until a day or two and it lasts much longer. I still advocate suboxone, but for a short term use. Four days to 2 weeks, maximum. Methadone, 4 days max. Anything longer and there will be a price to pay.
Anyway, how I did it and how it worked for ME is that I am in a country that poppy pods are legal. Since the suboxone withdrawal is about 2 to 4 weeks, I stopped suboxone and drank this tea, which is pretty much natural morphine and then I weaned off of that. It was a very light withdrawal…so light, then I thought that this was too easy.
I don’t know why poppy pod is not legal. Could it be because big pharma wants it illegal? I just know that my whole life, I was strung on dope or hooked on sub, but I was broken free thanks to poppy pods. Granted, you can get addicted to that to and I’m sure I was, but after that month, I stopped and I was back to myself.
Days now are okay, there is heavy feeling of fatigue and depression, but its in waves. I know easily that I can cure this, but my solutions have never worked before, how could it work now? I’m going to try to stay clean and see how life is.
Sometimes I wonder if all the dishonestly and bad karma I had accumulated would be so overwhelming that I could never be a whole person again, that I would always be a shady addict fuck waiting for the day to relapse and waiting to hurt the ones I love again.
I don’t want to scare anyone from using those substitutes. Because this past year, I have stayed straight because of suboxone and got my life together. People do the same with methadone. I think when you have relapsed so many times and death’s hand is tugging your shirt closer to him, then yes, substitution is a MUST! People have successful, happy lives on substitution. If I relapsed again, I probably will die. I’ve had enough cold turkey detoxes, and no one I know on planet earth has had a successful heroin habit. I had days where I thought, how can I be successful and still use the only drug that has every made me feel pure, happy, motivated, and serene? I calculated that I would need about $380 a week. Stupid thoughts…instead of thinking about giving back to the community, helping people, getting a career that is worth something, having a life that is worth remembering, I’m fantasying about using dope again. I have to stay in today. I don’t want to think of my entire life with it, because its to much. All I have to do is stay good today, and thats it.
In terms of relationships, I could never get involved with someone who was using…maybe if they drank or smoked pot occasionally, yes I could, but definitely not doing blow or harder things. Since I seen a lot of people who were users, I got to scope out a lot of scenarios. A few of them was a sober person living with a drug addict. The sober person always thought they could “save” the addict…100% of the time, and this is no bullshit, but 100% of the time, the addict takes down the sober person. Love is no love when it comes to drugs. You can never love a person who is an addict because they love something more than you…that is the cold truth. I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it and I know it will never and has never worked.
The worst thing that happened to me was that the people I cared for told me to fuck off. If they didn’t, I would have taken them down. I cursed them out and wished them harm but now that I got a clear head, I see how they were right and they were saving themselves but also sending me a clear message.
Just to repeat, if you are involved with a drug user, you cannot help them. They can help themselves. The best thing to do is help them get into a detox, if they want to. Never for you or for family, but they do it for themselves….give yourself distance and let things happen. If its meant to be, universe will work things out for you…but when you have a cancer, you cut it off. Drug addicts are cancerous people, vile creatures of filth…I was one and I can be one with one bad decision.
