I'm keeping myself occupied by trying to decide how the course of the year will go. I lost my most recent job due to the last relapse I had. For the past several weeks, the reflection from the mirror was a man who looked worn out. Eyes that had a vacant look to them. The light inside growing dimmer as the sadness I was feeling rippled throughout the lines of my face.
I've gotten my energy back now to start searching for jobs again. I will not go heavy; the next 6 months I will work to save some money. As my head clears, I will begin to make some big decisions or at least begin to think constructively about it.
Questions in my head now that I have to avoid thinking about:
- What is my purpose?
- Where should I move to?
- What kind of career should I get involved in?
- How do I know if the choices I make for myself are the choices that will render the most happiness?
Who I am? Who is the real me? Are my thoughts and internal monologue my pure thoughts or are they thoughts grown from people who have influenced me, both consciously and subconsciously?
I get anxious at times when I consider that I'm an old person and I haven't even started my career yet, haven't found my purpose, haven't found meaningful relationships...I'm just floating by.
I tried going to a meeting recently. It was good, but again, I feel very alone and isolated. Its hard for me, when I am sober, to connect with people. I also know from experience that how I feel now is not how I will feel a month from now. I will slowly start to feel more human again. I will start to feel comfortable around people. When the phone rings, I won't hit ignore because I am in fear of speaking to whoever is on the other line. I won't have social anxiety that is at its peak during the first few weeks of early recovery.
I think triggers can evolve. They are deceptive and cunning. I'm a weak person. If the thought of using enters my mind, I act on it. Like, right away. I have no will-power to allow that momentary lapse of judgement to just dissipate. I act on my urges to use. The last trigger was watching a movie where they used drugs....thats all it took. Another time, I was on a lunch break and the idea invited itself inside my head, hung around, wouldn't leave, and convinced me it was a good idea. The absolute worst are the drug dreams of using.
I enjoy being high. I enjoy having peace of mind, contentment, energy to do tasks...a purpose. I do not use/relapse/get high in order to have a great party night. I use then I read a book, or surf the web. I use then I do yard-work, clean my room, update my files, prepare my taxes, be social, laugh, smile, and, generally, be full of life.
If money was not an issue, I would be high right now. I know I would be. That tells me that my road to recovery will be long, treacherous, deadly, and filled with sin. Do I want to recover? Yes, its all I ever wanted. I just do not want to keep this endless cycle going. My goal is to try to find an alternate route to happiness that does not involve using a deadly, soul-darkening substance.
I am told time will give back to me what I have been searching for. My difficult (one of them) is that I cannot string enough time being sober. Those barriers are challenging for me to reach. I have done it once before so I know that eventually, warmth will enter me once again.
What Will Be Different This Time?
I'm having family members distribute my suboxone to me. I plan to be on it for about a month. I also gave the debit card to said family members. I have no access to a car. I found a AA type meeting but it comes from a Buddhist viewpoint, so I will give that a shot. Seems interesting. Recovery in the lens of Buddhism.
I will stop going to these drug addict forums and message boards...I will avoid watching movies/tv shows that could show drugs being used. This is all temporary of course. I know that if I can make a solid year, without subs or anything, I will begin to have that strength that will allow me to ease back into society. The truth of the matter is, I will be tested throughout my life....someone will be doing blow in the bathroom or smoking a doobie on a balcony or giving me a script for that root canal. How I face is that day is all dependent on the type of recovery foundation I built.
What is the point of creating a fortress or castle that is impregnable but the foundation is on top of quick-sand? You can use that point with anything. Yes, I have a killer job and a salary but it will not matter if the foundation of my recovery is to shit. That is why I will get a no-stress job for at least 6 months or so, then begin to answer the questions about where my road will be going.
Things To Look Forward To
As I gain power and strength with each passing day in my recovery, I look forward to being reliable to the people I care about. Going out to eat. Taking someone I care about to the movies. Making a donation to my favorite charity. Volunteering for recovery-based programs. Having a wide range of emotions instead of the couple I have now. Having my own apartment. Repairing the broken relationships of the past with people that are dear to me. Going on vacation. Ordering books on Amazon. Buying clothes. Start making investments. Begin working on a career that is aligned to my passion and dream. Upgrading my lifestyle. Having my parents see me healthy, happy, and smiling. Waking up to brew a cup of tea on a Sunday morning. Going hiking. Getting back into photography. Getting gifts for friends birthdays. Thinking of others. Being self-less. Eating healthy. Exercising.
What are you looking forward to?
Check out the link below...an interesting video.
Missing Life is a Tragedy