Face Life Consequences You Little Bitch and Change Your Diaper Frequently

"You are free and that is why

you are lost" -F.K.

Why Are Things Not Getting Better?

I'm trying to believe that by doing the next right thing, good circumstances will come round my way.  For example, as I am broke and essentially living day to day, I'm going to need a roof over my head and a job.  I get nervous about this because I haven't worked in a couple of years and I have bad credit due to living life as an addict for sometime.  The concerns that swirl around my head are the following:

• How can I afford rent if I have no job?
• How can I make a contract if I have bad credit?
• How will I get a job if I have bad credit that could hinder my chances of obtaining a job?
• Why is it so hard to get a second chance in the professional world if I'm trying hard to be good, do good, and live good?
• I don't expect to be rewarded for living and being right, but why can't the universe cut me a break?
• Am I being a whiny bitch about my life circumstance?
• Am I expecting something I shouldn't be?
• Am I really asking for that much?

It seems that I can't rely on anything anymore.  I was supposed to get some help transitioning back into the real world by having a low-rent apartment for the first couple of months when I return back to the tri-state area.  Instead, I was told that this is no longer happening.  It will be a tense few months because I have to first find a job to make some immediate money so I can have a roof over my head and food.  Second, I have to find a career suited for my degree that I went to school and spent so much money on.

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed by life?  Why are other people able to have luck and circumstance go their way but I cannot get the same?  I should be thankful that I have had this experience of recovery and have been able to live in Europe for this time.  I am grateful but I also have to concern myself about the future. 

I can easily get into negative thinking by going over all the wrongs I have to right.  I have so much to do and I feel that the tasks I'm putting before me will take so long to get accomplished.  I'm already behind vs. where my other contemporaries are in life.  People my age have families and good jobs, and I have to worry about renting some shit hole so I can get a shitty job in order to live shitty for the next few months or however long I have to before I start to dig out of the financial hole I got myself into.  How can I stay positive through all this? No wonder I love drugs so much, if I was the old me, I would just bang one up and be done with it.  Now I have to face the reality of life and understand that the consequences I have now are all creations of my actions.  I have to push through this shitty part that is coming up to make it through the other side.  I speak about having faith and staying positive but I can't take my own advice.  I feel negative, dark, and defeated already.  



I wish I could snap out of this.  I wish money was not a problem, I wish I am not plagued by depression and a loss of identity and purpose.  I wish I was anyone but me.  I don't mean that but I just want to have something to look forward to again, I want some clarity in my life.  I want something to look forward to and not some bleak uncertain future.  My life was muddy and all I want is to snap my fingers and have life be good again.  Unfortunately, life is not fair and I have to struggle for sometime before things work out for the better.  I just wish I didn't have to, but I must do what I must do in order to break through what I've been stuck into.

I doubt that I'm the only one who thinks about these things when adjusting back into the real world.  What I am going through is what anyone who has lost it all goes through.  I can be sure that all (or most) addicts or people in recovery have to face the same song I face.  This is a big hurdle to jump from because these are one of the points where one can stumble back into drug use.  I can rationalize how I am the victim, AGAIN, and that I'd be better off booting some of that sweet brown sugar and sinking into my bed, reading my favorite book, watching my favorite show, talking gibberish and singing out loud to myself, making a fool of myself in public, acting like a clown in my own circus show, where I am the freak headmaster and my imaginary buddies are my bozo's who I talk to.  



Yes, I am crazy but I love that about me and I don't care.  This is another challenge and I'm going to bang it out and stay sober through it.  Fuck it, I can always get strung out again if shit doesn't work out, but I HAVE TO MAKE AN EFFORT!!!!!  Before I die and become an addict again, I'm going to work my ass off to try to better my life and its circumstance.

I also have to give off the right kind of energy.  I believe in the law of attraction.  If I think dark and negative, all that will come my way.  Of course its a tremendous challenge to change my way of thinking when I have been comforted by the fact that I am a victim of circumstance and that people should boo hoo my pathetic sad life.  If I lie and say things will be good when my energy is saying that I know things will be bad again, then I have already lost.  This is the leap of faith again.  


I have to say it and believe it that things will go good as long as I keep going the route I'm going through, being honest, speaking to others, reaching out to people that care about me and will give me guidance.  Until I wholeheartedly believe that by doing the right actions, things will turn out better, then things will not.  I'm jumping into the unknown with confidence under my belt and a fuck it attitude.  

Anyone who survives addiction and is in recovery is a warrior and you have to be in order to get through what life is going to throw at us.  This is the easy part.  Gear up, suit up, and get ready....this is only the beginning.  Have hope and love in your heart and have faith that things will be alright.  That's what I am saying...I hope that is what I'm believing in too.....  

Listen to this funky reggae jam and chill....




Why Do We Want Things We Can't Have?


Nostalgia is like a bear-trap for my soul.  I'm paralyzed from it.  In order for me to be my best self, I have to avoid getting in situations that jeopardize my self-esteem and my perspective on things.  I will elaborate on facebook again.  All facebook does it make me feel bad for the life I could have been living.  I see the different groups of friends I was once a part of and realize that my space is vacant in their lives.  I see old girlfriends I let go because we're weren't meant for each other and then, because I get lonely at times, I fool myself into believing that I made the wrong decision and that they were true partner that I gave up.  Facebook is a constant reminder of all I am lacking in my life...a great social life, success in business life, personal life, and so on.

I think its important to not let emotions control and manipulate reality.  I have to have faith and have confidence that the decisions I made in the moment, were true and good.  Of course, when you lack something you wish you had, it clouds your present day judgement and casts doubt on the conclusion you had reached then but you regret now.  For me, a confident person is someone who doesn't dwell on decisions they had made.  Once you make a decision, you follow through with it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but will I go through life analyzing all the wrong decisions I made?  Then my life will be all in shambles.  I will live in the relics of the past.



Though this is common, do not do it.  Its a trap set up by the mind.  My goal is to let emotions happen, but like the river that flows through life, I shall let all these excess thoughts, feelings and wants, travel downstream.  Nothing is constant but change.  What I feel now, I will not feel later, or vice versa.   How crazy is it?  When we have things in our lives, we don't want them anymore and feel they have no relevance to us.  Then when we think about what we gave up, we then start to doubt it all again and wonder if we were wrong?  Well maybe things could have worked out?  Maybe I should have done this?  Or been with that?   Or said yes to this and no to that?  



There is no wrong or right answer I think.  Ever choice we make is like a gust of wind to our sail navigating us through the ocean of life.  It is not right or wrong because it is still pushing us towards a direction.  What is truly the goal in any of the things we do?   Happiness?  Wealth?  Purpose?  My life today is because of the construction I put into it yesterday.  But my I'm building and what I'm setting structure to, will always be changing.  I will forever be in construction and I will never be satisfied with things.  Its a bad habit to feel like I am lonely and unique in the world and that no one gets me, but isn't that putting other people down? 





I'm sure, everyone wants a quality life, but I think what separates successful people from those who aren't is confidence and faith.  The common person doesn't dwell on everything. People like myself, get labeled as thinkers, lost in the space of our mind, unable to relate to anyone because we are too much of an introvert and too caught up in the trappings of past/future thinking.  This makes us waste what we have today, because right now, today, is the only thing I have to work with.  I can't let the frequency of what I am and what I am planning on doing/being become contaminated by my toxic thinking.




I compare myself to how great everyone in my network has attacked life and superimpose it on the shit that is my life.  They say do not compare yourself to people.  Why not?  I have to face the fact that I had all this potential and I took a shit on it.  If I was doing what I was doing before drug use, who knows where I could have been?  



Now I am not jealous of my friends, truly I am not, but, getting to know myself more, I realize that I enjoy self-pity.  I like to be miserable just to have an excuse to feel the way I do.  That usually leads to a justification to use drugs but I stop it before it gets there now.  Its a terrible feeling to know that you have lost relevance to the people you surrounded yourself with.  I might as well have been born a new person because everything I do now has to be fresh.  I could try to salvage old friendships but there will always be a bitterness to it.



I stumbled upon an old email I had sent to a friend.  If you do not remember things you said or did, did they ever happen and was that you?  How authentic do my words and actions have to be in order for them to be true to my intentions?  I read what I sent her and I don't remember writing this, but it had clarity in terms of how I felt and what I was going through.  My friend asked me how my recovery was going.  She tried to encourage me by saying how we all search for things that give meaning to the meaningless.  I include it today because it really illustrates how I was caught in the middle of two worlds and the decision of having to choose which world I was going to be a part of.

hey [blank name], thank you for reaching out. i know this search that you speak of - for myself, I always had an idea of what the future would be like when I was younger - as I got older and my dreams met reality, i was throughly disappointed - i found comfort in something else - the paradox is that it made me feel great emotionally and I was at the top of my game is all categories, at first at least...but then it slowly started to burn away parts of my soul until i ended up charred and cancerous to anything I touched or was involved in - the decay that went on inside me was so dark and decadent, i really thought suicide would be the best option, because the pain was unbearable. seriously, day after day, month after month, year after year, how much can a person take before they ask for a reprieve of this insanity that shreds away everything that is good and filled with light around us?
...
I want to stay in the hemisphere of nurturance and growth. i guess my desire to do so indicates my need for evolving onto the next stage of my life. once in awhile, i look into peoples eyes and I see peace and contentment, and I say “i want that” - for people like me, the search and understanding is a bit harder, but i think the payoff is more satisfying as well- i always wanted to keep in my inferiority, my weaknesses, my fears…i wanted to show the world the better version of myself and hide the truth, because who wants to be defective? but…i don’t know, enough is enough, and usually by sharing something, it gives it the opportunity to vacate mind space so that something positive and healing can replace it - i do not know if I will ever give up the search for meaning in this sometimes absurd theater called life, but staying present helps and when thoughts start to drift, I recognize I have to reel it back in before my hook catches another nasty fish, something that may swallow me whole - having a good network of people has also been a life saver, literally.

Birds of A Feather

I don't know if this is happening to me because I am becoming more clear headed or if its the fact that I'm get older.  Its not anything profound to say that as we age, we fine-tune ourselves regarding our likes and dislikes.  In my 20's, I was quite tolerable of many situations and scenarios that if were played in the present day, would be annoying and anxiety causing.  At one point, I did not care about the type of crowd I associated with.  I thought that everyone deserves a chance and that its stupid to judge people.  I was more of an idealists wanting to travel the world on a backpack and curse the existence of having a career, which I believed was what people who gave up on the adventure and spontaneity of life did.  I did not want to be lame like that.  I wanted my life to be more than a 9-5.



Experience has showed me that trusting and investing time in the wrong people does damage to my personal growth.  Perhaps its a lesson that I'm still trying to learn.  Just this past week, I was helping a friend move and I happen to come across a pedestrian asking me for a cigarette.  Of course, its not a problem, I let loose a clip and went back to work.  The next day, as I was still helping with the move again, I bump into this dude...again.  He lives in the neighborhood so its not that shocking.  He asks me for another cigarette and I oblige.  Now, I'm the type of person that can get along with anyone and also hang out with anyone.  



Once upon a time, I thought it was the coolest thing to hang out with people who are odd in their behavior.  It seemed refreshing and that I was going against the crowd.   I want to make it clear that I still enjoy hanging with different kind of folks, but I look for a central theme in them regarding their philosophy on life, their morals, and the code of conduct they live by.  I want to associate with people who's are somewhat aligned with the way I view and contribute to life.   I definitely discriminate the people I want around me.

So anyway, I was bullshitting with this guy.  He was a heavy-set Indian dude with glasses and a had a light mustache.  He thought I was cool so he asked for my number and said we could hang out one day.  I said why the hell not and I gave it to him.  Talking to him, my instincts were telling me something was off with this character but I couldn't place a reason as to why I thought this way.  A few days later I get a text asking to hang.  I said no, not today.  End of story.  A couple of days later, another text.  It just so happened that I was busy and distracted to reach out to him at that moment, so I had just ignored it.  Then he called me late at night that same day.  I'm working on my intuition and something was pulling me towards the judgment of not wanting to associate with this character any longer.  


He tried to call me again the next day and I ignored, again.  (Ignoring feature on a cell-phone is the greatest gift to people with low-self esteem..you feel so god-like deciding the fate of that potential call).  So after I ignored the call, I get a call the next day or so from a private number.  I picked up and it was him.  I immediately hung up.  I then start to get a set of bizarre texts.  "Whats up with you?"  I got a few more that I can't remember but these were texts you send to someone you know for a while, not someone you just met.  I then get a text calling me a "Retard"....I then knew that this person was a buffoon and I should never have given him my number.  He periodically texts me every other day or so, acting as if I am responding, but I'm not.  



Why do I attract these morons to me?  Here I am, trying to live a wholesome life, giving people a chance, and trying to be someone who helps someone in need.  My problem is I have always directed that to people that don't deserve it.  Either they are morally corrupt, strange to the point of being uncomfortable, crude, violent, or uneducated.  Not sure why I'm giving off the vibe that says "Hey, if you have shit for brains, lets grab coffee and smoke a doob."  NO MORE OF THIS.  I have to be a better discriminator as to who I'm trying to associate with.