Friday, June 26, 2015

Old Behaviors





 

I daydreamed today about old behaviors I often exhibited in the public setting.  I still find it perplexing how I could think that I was fooling everyone regarding the nature of my addiction, but I was an open book apparently.


  




Growing up, I was always an attention-seeker.  I prided myself as being a clown, amusing others to get some sense of satisfaction in terms of being liked and wanted.  Drawing back to the years I was coming of age, I had a typical family life.  Both parents that worked day and night so their children could benefit from a life of having their needs met.




On a side note:  There are some members of my family that piss me off. In particular, I have one such family member who speaks down to me because I am not modeling my life after hers.  She is not exactly my blood family, but I have known her for a some time.  What I find funny is that she claims to live a life of peace, love, and harmony, but then when it comes to compromising, it does not happen.  Its very stressful to be in her presence. If something happens that is not in junction with what she wants, she pouts, makes a scene and then gets silent like a child that didn't get her way.  She needs to get treated like a princess and always have her voice be the final authority on any matters at hand.  I find it embarrassing to be around her when she gets like that.  She really absorbs all the joy of that moment and guillotines it. This makes me angry too and I don't want to go there.  





Getting angry makes me feel like I have taken a step back in my recovery since I'm also working on anger and fear in life. Once upon a time, I used to bring friends together so that new networks can birth through an introduction, but then she gets very selfish and theatrical with her personality.  If something happens that is not her idea or her way, you can feel the contempt is her presence.  The worst is that she cannot see how contradictory she is.   Arguing is futile because she is extremely passive-aggressive.  I avoid her for the most part now and have minimal contact with her.  She has had enough chances.  Its not productive to be with someone who can emotionally drain you.    






Its a shame, because she has known my family for so long, but does that mean that certain people get a pass at stunting our growth?  If I'm trying to change my life and improve it, do I really need someone that cause me to fume madness and stir uneasiness in me?  Its exhausting to deal with a person that require all this maintenance.  Its like walking on eggshells, and I do not want to burden my mind anymore with this.  There are others out there that are aligned my philosophy on life, and those are who my time will be going to now.




Back to recalling the days I was using.  There is something that is very comforting when it comes to using opiates.   A true warm blanket that protects me from the cold winds of life.  I breathe comfort in any situation I have when I use.  Its a panacea for all that ails me.  It gives me a sense of power, protection, peace, and happiness.   The times I would use in a public setting, I was loud and behaving weirdly.  Making animal noises and jumping up and down like a baboon was something that was a trademark for me.  I take off my shirt and expose my top to complete strangers...I scratch all parts of my body in an overt way...there is no being low-key to what I did.  If I had to scratch under my belt or my butt, I went to town.  Now I understand why I was single for the most part.




When I did go on a date, I would make many bathroom trips to snort coke and H.  Its a delicate balance when you mix those two.  First of all, its lethal.  Second of all, you want to make sure its perfect so there is a nice balance of weaving through the roller coaster of being hyper and being dopey.  At one point, writing this would trigger me but no longer.  Its disgusting and frightening the way I conducted myself.  Others have died doing less than I have.  I've had a handful of friends die, severe consequences in my personal life, interventions by loved ones, but nothing would get me to get sober.  I had to reach this point myself where I wanted this, where I wanted to better my life for me, not for anyone and not because of any circumstance.  Either I would get to this point or I would die.   For now, I have eased the flame and am no longer living at the boiling point. 






Addiction is like an invisible net hanging over my soul.  Once I flare up the pilot light and begin to participate in the drug-seeking and taking behavior, then the net will fall on me and paralyze my growth...jeopardize my life...bring to a halt all the progress I was making.




There were times I was at parties and I would hop all around, dancing like a clown, making sure all eyes were on me and that I was the center of attention.  It made me feel good that I was the star of the show.   I guess not much has changed since high school.




I do not want that kind of attention any longer.  I've reached a point where I will be my honest self and who I attract and don't attract will be based on the honesty of my character.  No more manipulating situations to make myself better than I am.  I am also indifferent to being liked or not.  I am mellowing with age.  I used to be a triple expresso and now I am chamomile tea.




If I think briefly on why I need attention, I come up with the idea that I need to be wanted and love, since I have had that missing in my life or at least have this perception.  In truth, I don't.  I have people that care about me and would do anything for me, even today.  I just fell in the trap of being a victim, blaming the universe for my luck, holding contempt and anger in my heart, being selfish and cutting corners to better my own personal situation.




These behavior left me very empty.  Today, I'm molding myself with the ingredients of honesty, helping others even though it does get annoying at times, being available to anyone who needs to speak to me or needs help with anything, making phone calls to people that I need to speak to on a regular basis, and so on.  I'm trying to strengthen my spiritual foundation so I can replace the void I used to feel with the sense of the bigger picture.  For me, the life that has unfolded has shown me what true happiness is and what is possible.  If money, love, drugs, and what not is what happiness is, then do it.  Everyone will have their own idea.  My life is a simple plan.  Do good, Be good, Help Others, Be honest and honor words, live spiritually, be kind, speak kindly, find a purpose, do what you want without the judgement of what others say, and then life begins to open up, in all its multi-dimensional glory.





Back to another cooking analogy.  I can have all the tools I need to aid me in the pursuit of revolutionizing and rehabilitating my life.  These are the ingredients.  Just because I have the ingredients doesn't necessarily mean that the dish will make itself or come out perfect.  This will require action on my part, careful attention to detail to make the right combinations, portions, and balance to the mixture.  Too much of this or too little of that will effect the end result.  Too salty, too sweet, too bitter will not give a satisfying dish. As is my recovery, I have to be aware and mindful of my progress and how I am going about achieving in the end goal, which for me, is a life emotionally stable and drug free.  If I cut corners one day, this will effect the stability of my mind-body spirit. I need to bring together my ingredients (the tools of my recovery) and work on an end-product which will render a dish that is nourishing to my soul.  

Time to start cooking....







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