A Cup of Tea, A Dream of Love, a Day of Wants...Passing Thoughts

The weather has been pretty shitty where I have been living.  I know they say geographically changes are not a good solution but its working for me so far.  Granted, I have urges to use and I think about using.  However, I am in a place that I have no connections or no areas where I can score heroin.  I understand what the point is of geographically changes, in regards to why its not an answer.  You cannot run away from drug addiction.  It follows you wherever you go.  Wherever you go, there you are.  My approach is that I cut myself off from the life I was living.  "Living" I should say.  I wasn't living.  I was waking up sick every morning, then stealing from my parents and their friends to support my drug habit.  There were many days I woke up in tears because I couldn't believe the life that I created before me.  It was all my fault.  No one made me who I am today.  I just followed my urges and applied my philosophy of "life is too short" and experimented frequently.  I rationalized my drug use because I was successful.  I have a graduate degree, I'm fairly smart, I was making a lot of money, great social life, I was successful in every way possible...big life savings, 401k, property, business propositions.....  That all slipped away from me to the point where I began to shit in garbage bags (liquid) and vomit daily.  That was near the end though. 

If there was a way where I could use without consequences, I would.  I wish I had someone to love.  Falling in love is better than heroin.  Making love to someone you care about takes you to another dimension in life.  I often wondered how a person like me, who is sensitive, emotional, yet strong, could be so devoid of love when I know I would be the best at loving someone.  I see the people around me that have such free spirits, laughing, enjoying life, enjoying family, etc...and I pity myself for not having this.  I blame the universe for fucking me over.

I'm dropping my suboxone dosage to .6 in two days, and in about two weeks, I am leaving Europe to move back to the states.  Of course I am nervous.  I wake up so drained at times.  It seems I have no juice in my tank.  No drive.  I truly do not know what to do or how to live a good life.  Should I continue with psych meds?  They are not helping.  What should I do?  What do other people do in this situation?  I thought I was supposed to have a pink cloud and that life would transform itself in front of me, but nothing has happened.  I feel miserable, sad, and lonely.  

Depression, Life, and Self-Pity ~ Ain't Life Grand?

So I am down to 1mg of suboxone a day.  I'm dropping it down every two weeks so the schedule for dosing will be 1.0 then .6 then .4 then .2 then .1 and I jump.  I think to myself that I am perhaps not feeling the best I can be because I still have an opiate in my system.  Things sometimes really get to me, like friends not contacting me back on facebook for example.  That seems so trivial but I do not understand how you can reach out to a person and they just ignore you until the time THEY decide they want to contact you.




I fall into depression very easily.  I'm taking webutrin and 5-htp.  The 5-htp gives me the good feeling I need but I still lack energy.  I feel I lost that spark in life that gets me to get up and go...to seize the day.  I should be happy and energized when I wake up, but to be honest, morning times are the worst times for me.  In this world, I feel very lonely.  I debate in my mind that maybe instead of stopping opiates, I can do 2mg of suboxone indefinitely, and then do heroin once a week.  I do not think like this because I want to fall back into that lifestyle that left me lonely, depressed, and shattered (emotionally, physically, and spiritually).  I just get a reprieve from feeling miserable to feeling good when I do use. 








I do not want to do this and I am hoping I do not do this.  This is a terrible idea.  I did quit dope and all drugs...no suboxone, for 6 months, but then I relapsed because I dated someone in rehab.  Now my plan is to be off suboxone and fight like hell with the urges.  I can smoke pot, but pot makes me very tired and I'm already a chill person to begin with, pot is just overkill.  Occasionally, I do like to smoke bud and go see a movie or go to the museum but those days are few and far between.  Another thing I do not like about meeting is that if I express to people that I occasionally smoke and drink, then they make me feel like a failure because I'm not adhering to the lifestyle of abstinence from everything.





I do like the benefits of meetings though because I hear my own life and struggles through other people, so in that way, I will continue to go to meetings every now and then.  I always thought that I need someone or something in my life to give it meaning and happiness.  I wait for that day that is never today, its always tomorrow.  Its devastating when you feel alone, lonely, and depressed in this world.  All I ever wanted was someone to love and a good career.  I see happiness and love in other people's lives but its so devoid from my own life, that I begin to pity myself.





Maybe I'm just going to end up dead anyway. If I am to be lonely, sad, and depressed, then why not continue to be a drug addict.  I slipped into this lifestyle because the world rejected me.  And now that I am clean from opiate use, I am too eccentric for people.  I never fit in anyway.  In that way, I do not think all the anti-depressants can change that.  Sometimes I wonder why I even continue a blog like this.  Its stupid, it doesn't help people, I selfishly use it for myself to chronicle how fucked up my mind is and how I pity myself.  

If I die from using, it will be a testament I'll leave for anyone around who still cares.  But I'm going to snap out of it.  Emotions come and go...I'm going to ride out this shitty feeling.  I am going to taper off and jump off suboxone and make an attempt to live a good, hard working life.  In the back of my mind, I know that I always have the option of using heroin again, but at this point, that decision will be the end of me, so i will hold off as much as possible.  I just want to be happy, be loved, and love someone.

Remembering My Using Days...."Vacation" time aka How Do I Take Enough With Me?

So about 2 years ago, a friend of mine had complimentary tickets on an Greek Island yacht cruise.  At this point in my life, I had lost my job, my apartment, and I was in debt.  I was living with mom and dad (gotta love your parents, I can cry now just thinking about what a disappointment I am to them).  My friend didn't know the extent of my heroin addiction at that time.  I was only snorting at this point.  Of course, this is a situation an addict dreads but every now and then, it happens.  I was going to be away with no source.  I have never had a problem scoring drugs in my life...coke is everywhere and so is pot, but these are (more or less) socially tolerable drugs.  Prior to becoming a heroin addict, I always loved the challenge of scoring in a different country, picking up nuances that let you know "hey, I'm that guy, what you need?"






Heroin is different though.  The former mentioned drugs, I can live with or without.  My world will not fall apart if I don't have blow or I'm not smoking pot, but if I am 12 to 18 hours without an opiate in my body, its approaching midnight on the doomsday clock.  I have never had luck scoring heroin outside the U.S.  Unless I'm going to SouthEast Asia, I will be shit out of luck.  In the time before I was set to leave, I was brainstorming ways to smuggle my needed drugs with me.  I was leaving for about 10 days, and my plan was to ween off heroin in the first 5 days, and then have a mild withdrawal.  So I bought about a brick worth of heroin and I also decided to bring some coke since...well....why not?Prior to going through security, I thought to myself that if I were to get caught, I would be fucked royally.  In my head, I would let them know the truth.  I'm not a criminal, I do not want to sell this, but this is my medicine, for better or worse (minus the coke).  By a miracle of God, I made it past security and celebrated.  I told my friend "look at me, I'm so fuckin cool."  Yes, I'm a real hero aren't I?  I did a lot more than I should have, prior to getting on the flight.  The coke was all gone (I didn't really bring that much with me) and the heroin had a nice dent in it.   Damn, that airplane ride I did not remember a thing besides that it was so comfortable.  I must have watched the same movie about 4 times because I kept nodding out for half hour chunks.  I'm getting triggered just writing this actually.






So the heroin did not last me 5 days, I ripped through it in 2 days thinking that I want to get this shit over with.  My vacation was hell.  I was without hope, without help, emotionally fucked up, and physically weak.  It really hit me how much of an addict I am.  I saw families together, couples, and all sorts of life.  I saw people smiling and laughing and I felt jealous.  That is all I ever wanted in life.  To be truly happy, to laugh honestly and from my soul and not live this theatrical farce I was starring in.   I will never have a family or someone to love.  I will never be happy or smile or laugh.  I will live in a limbo state of misery and comfortable misery until I die.  This is how I used to think.  Sometimes I still think like that.  Right now, I have a lot of clean time, granted with the help of suboxone, but I consider it clean time.  But my mind has been fantasizing about using for about 2 weeks now.  I am very scared that its a matter of when and not if.  Please understand, its the greatest paradox of all.  I want to stop and be pure and whole again, but the emptiness and loneliness and the purposefulness is a void that is too much.  Even with suboxone and wellbutrin, I feel isolated and alone.

It doesn't matter where I travel to, what "paradise" I am in, where ever I go, if I take my addiction with me, the world is black, and death suffocates my soul slowly and slowly.  As soon as I made it back to the States, in a matter of hours, I was able to cop more dope.  This is truly an amazing drug.  How can it do so much damage but I keep going to it again and again?  How many time in life do I wish I never had tried opiates?   Because of it, its ruined my life.  I can never live a normal life again.  Even if I am sober until I die, there is always that whispering voice in my head that tells me "just once."  How strong can I be?  How can I fight this forever?   I feel quite sad and alone today, I thought this would help, but it hasn't.  Sometimes music helps...today I'm listening to Kool G Rap.  Check out the lyrics to this.  Quite a masterpiece:  Song about the struggles of all types of addictions