A Cup of Tea, A Dream of Love, a Day of Wants...Passing Thoughts

The weather has been pretty shitty where I have been living.  I know they say geographically changes are not a good solution but its working for me so far.  Granted, I have urges to use and I think about using.  However, I am in a place that I have no connections or no areas where I can score heroin.  I understand what the point is of geographically changes, in regards to why its not an answer.  You cannot run away from drug addiction.  It follows you wherever you go.  Wherever you go, there you are.  My approach is that I cut myself off from the life I was living.  "Living" I should say.  I wasn't living.  I was waking up sick every morning, then stealing from my parents and their friends to support my drug habit.  There were many days I woke up in tears because I couldn't believe the life that I created before me.  It was all my fault.  No one made me who I am today.  I just followed my urges and applied my philosophy of "life is too short" and experimented frequently.  I rationalized my drug use because I was successful.  I have a graduate degree, I'm fairly smart, I was making a lot of money, great social life, I was successful in every way possible...big life savings, 401k, property, business propositions.....  That all slipped away from me to the point where I began to shit in garbage bags (liquid) and vomit daily.  That was near the end though. 

If there was a way where I could use without consequences, I would.  I wish I had someone to love.  Falling in love is better than heroin.  Making love to someone you care about takes you to another dimension in life.  I often wondered how a person like me, who is sensitive, emotional, yet strong, could be so devoid of love when I know I would be the best at loving someone.  I see the people around me that have such free spirits, laughing, enjoying life, enjoying family, etc...and I pity myself for not having this.  I blame the universe for fucking me over.

I'm dropping my suboxone dosage to .6 in two days, and in about two weeks, I am leaving Europe to move back to the states.  Of course I am nervous.  I wake up so drained at times.  It seems I have no juice in my tank.  No drive.  I truly do not know what to do or how to live a good life.  Should I continue with psych meds?  They are not helping.  What should I do?  What do other people do in this situation?  I thought I was supposed to have a pink cloud and that life would transform itself in front of me, but nothing has happened.  I feel miserable, sad, and lonely.