A Year In ReviewMy long awaited reply. I cannot believe its been about 4 months since an actual thought out post. When I had originally sprouted the idea of wanting to write a addiction-recovery blog, I wanted to have an update every week or biweekly at least. Once a month would be the absolute minimal. My apologizes for falling off the face of the earth. Let me begin to do a recap.
I had left the USA in 2014 to save my life from heroin addiction. I had made frequent trips to the E.R. in 2014 and I was a veteran of detoxes and rehabs centers. I exhausted all of my financial means of survival. I was essentially homeless, jobless, and directionless when I left to live in Europe.
I had it going real good. I was living in a penthouse, eating quality food, driving a nice sports car...simple things that I was not used to because my lifestyle went through a metamorphosis. Prior to my departure to Europe, I was not taking care of myself. I had dirt under my fingernails, I would have a peculiar oder (I call the stench "detox sweat"), I didn't eat good at all, my teeth hurt, my body hurt, my heart was in pain, and I was burnt out. I was unstable and just looking to end my life, the pain of living a life of up's and down's was too much. I was ready to hit the reset button and try another life. In this life, I failed the ones I loved most. To hear your own parents tell you that you have taken the joy and pleasure out of their life...its hurtful to hear. To have the best relationship with a sibling and then have that sibling never treat you the same because they do not understand the nature of addiction....thats also a shame. To have business relationships that were supposed to get you far in life...never coming to fruition because of a rampant drug lifestyle.
When I got to Europe, over the course of 2015, I began to accept things and move on as best as I could. The old friends I had, I made the attempt to reach out to them. Some were receptive, others not so much. I know that I can never really obtain those relationships again because the damage factor was way too much. To be honest, I do not want those type of friends anymore. I feel that when you make amends with old relationships, those people are eventually waiting and anticipating that day that I will fuck up and then we go again.
I just wanted to make amends with the people in my past so I have no hate or hurt in my heart. The most meaningful lives are the ones in which we have established family-like social network. Its not how many friends I have, but what is the quality of the friendships I have?
So life in Austria was great in 2015. I had traveled to a few countries in Europe and I was acclimating myself to a life that was void of drug use and all the issues that come along with having an addiction. However, I am an addict and eventually, temptation showed up and I found a source to get morphine off the streets. In the month of September and October 2015, I had ramped up an intense addiction to morphine. So bad that I was scratching my face until the point of blood. In the morning, my face would have patches of green mold-like blotches from potential infections that I had probably received on my face. It was really disgusting. Of course, like a true addict, I denied it to the family I was living with. I still have scars on my face from that last run.
Why Why Why?
The question I want to focus on is "WHY"?
Why?: In my mind, I love the feeling that opiates gives you. I like that buzz, that warmth, that anti-depression quality it provides.
The pattern is always the same. I stay clean for some time. Then I miss it, but somehow, I block how painful recovery was and I managed to score because "its fun"...its never fun. As soon as I shoot it, I regret it. Really, no b.s. Yes, I like the instant rush and joy, but that is as fleeting as any good memory, if you want to call it that.
The cycle of kicking dope and then going on suboxone and then relapsing is very damaging. I go through bouts of intense sadness, fits of rage and tears...also some suicidal tendencies.
I just don't get it, what can I do to make recovery stick. Why am I so trapped by this notion that drugs are a fun time and I need it in order to have this exponential growth of knowledge, creativity and meaning? The thing that matters to me the most is love and meaningful relationships, both things that are grave yarded by the fact that I do drugs.
Right now, I am going through a cycle of using and kicking, using and kicking. The suboxone is helping but I don't want it to be a crux for when I have no dope. I am at wits end, I find that I am starting to feel very empty and withdrawn.
Living in the Atlanta area, I know no one besides my parents. In Europe, I had friends and contacts I would meet everyday. Here its just work people and my parents. I have no bonds or no connections. The only connection I have is to heroin and that is like an old friend who will hang out with me no matter what. The cost is, it will strip away the essence of my being...the icy breath of active addiction is cooling any motivation or thoughts of breaking out as a person with purpose in life. I do not want 2016 to be another cycle of using/non using. I said I would end my life if that is the case.
I am being honest to show people that this issue I have is one that so many people are struggling. I do not get it nor will I ever get it. I do understand that the more days I have not using, the better the momentum and the strength will be.
Do You Snooze or Seize the Day?
Even as I write this, I feel not as motivated as when I first started. I love to write, I love to tell my experience, to have emails from people asking questions or to have someone say that this helps them, but drug addiction hollows out the soul of the individual and leaves a shell of despair, regret, and gloom.I do not want to do that to myself or to you readers who manage to stay interested so far. I will make the most attempt I can to chronicle my bounce back and I will bounce back. Its just learning to stay forward and not slip behind anymore. I have no shame in relapsing, I am just very disappointed in not learning the simple lesson of "drugs are bad, there are no winners with heroin, there is never a "just once" with dope....it is a losing game, stop playing."
I have dreams and ambitions that I want to set out and accomplish. I want to charter the open sea and do things that will profoundly effect me spiritually, but I am a hypocrite. I can't do anything until I figure out how to defeat this monster that always seems to lurk around every corner, breathing its breath of death and stinking my existence with the stench of hopelessness and darkness.
Its my birthday today...I wish and pray for a year that will change my life for the better. But wishes are just that. I want to be a doer and not a sayer. I want people to look up to me, I want people to know that I was in hell and I got out. I want to help others, I want to say fuck you and be done with this. So much time spent on something so selfish and destructive.
Nourishment
Thank you all for the support. God Bless and have a happy healthy new year filled with your own dreams and ambitions. You will get there by hard work and sacrifice. Nothing worth it comes easy. See you next time.
