Positive Vibrations and My Daily Activity to Battle the Waves of Fear and the Unknown

It seems like the last few posts have been rather negative and paints me with a dour state of mind.  Here 

is the thing, I am happy, but I go through waves of battling a combination of depression, a broken heart, addiction, and anxiety.  Everything comes down to fear.  For me, I used drugs to deal with any and all fears.  It gave me the illusion that I was being my best self because it eliminated fear from me.  The lesson learned is that if I can banish fear from my life, I can breathe freely.  Of course, it seems that fear is ingrained in my bones.   I am doing good though.

It sounds like the same old same old, but its consequence.  I did the worst drug out there and I destroyed my image of myself, down to the spiritual and physical core.  Do I expect to bounce back and have the world accept me?  My approach now is to do what I have to do to stay above the water and enjoy the days when the weather is nice and also smile when weather is overcast.  Life is short and this time last year, I was begging for death.  Now, I just want to live and have opportunities to be the person I thought I would be and not this victim of a false sense of security.  The high is never worth it. 

What I Do Now:

• Exercise:  I cycle/run every two or three days for about 30 minutes to an hour.  Natural endorphins help in early recovery.  I have to get it wherever the source may be.  Exercising is a leading endorphins releaser/booster.
• Diet:  I cut out coca cola and fast food.  Nothing high in sugar.  Plenty of fruit. Plenty of water.  4 light to medium meals instead of 3 heavy meals.
• Mental:
• Wellbutrin 300m XL:  Not sure if this works or not.  As I have mentioned previously, at one point, I was on about 5 to 7 different kind of psych meds.  Even then, I couldn't feel that much of a difference.  This is what I know about psych meds (at least for me):  It is subtle, I never expect them to be like MDMA or ecstasy where I am happy with a plastered smile.  I take Wellbutrin because it gives me a little boost since morning times are the most difficult times for me...that is when my depression is at the worst sometimes.
• 5-HTP:  I never thought that something over-the-counter would work but it does.  I didn't believe it myself until I stop taking it (100mg once a day during the morning time with vitamin B; vitamin B works as a transporter).  I also am advised not to eat for two hours after I take it.  For sure, I can feel the difference when I do not take it.  It makes me feel good in the most natural way.
• Suboxone:  Started at 8.0 mg, now I am at 0.4.  Yes, its insane but I have to get lower and eventually jump off.  My goal is to jump when I'm down to .05, which is like a crumb of bread.
• Reading:  I try to do this everyday, its a way to improve my intellect and also a safe way to escape for awhile.  I read about an hour or two per day.
• Socializing:  As much as I am an introvert and I like my alone time, I have researched that the more time you are social, the less chance of becoming victim (or hostage) to any bouts of depression and anxiety.  So I do this even though its rather difficult, but the difficulty is usually in my head.  The build up to that hang out.  I relate it to exercising. Thinking about it, I can talk myself out of it, but once I am engaged, that its really all good.
• Blog:  I sometimes wonder if anyone is reading this or getting help from it.  In a selfish way, it doesn't matter.  I can't do things for other people when I'm not right.  But the beauty of this is that an addict knows how another addict feels.  Many times in a meeting, I heard my thoughts in other peoples voices.  It would make me feel better knowing that someone was able to articulate the thoughts in my head that seemed to be very unique to me.  I'm not that special when I feel that no one feels how I feel.  Apparently, some people do and they are living life as a whole.
• Spiritual:  This is one I need to work on.  I should go to meetings or meet other addicts to speak to them, but I don't really participate.  I regard myself as spiritual and I rely on my intuition.  Instincts are innate and we deny them because science and logic negate the realistic value of that, but its about having faith.  Whenever I look to the past, my instincts have always told me the answers I needed, but I never trusted them.  Now I'm learning to.

The past few weeks have been much better.  That dark cloud seems to have dissipated for now, but its only natural to go through waves of feeling good and feeling not so good.  Honestly, they come and go, and I know that if I am not feeling great at this moment, I can do things that can change that around.  The key, for me, is to recognize this and take action.

I was exhibiting unhealthy behavior such as visiting drug message board websites or youtube videos about heroin/drugs/whatever.  I avoid it now and the triggers/urges are very low.  Something else that bothers me is that I want to fix the relationships I destroyed during my drug rampage, but many people do not want to speak to me, block me, or consider me dead, and let me know this.  It hurts because like most addicts, I'm very sensitive to emotions.  I can feel more deeply and things bother me more potently for a much longer period of time.

The break-up I had with the only girl I ever loved in life taught me something.  I always thought nothing comes close to a heroin high.  The feeling is unbelievable and nourishing.  My friends, true love (for me) is the best feeling I have ever felt and it trumps any drug use by a wide margin.  When I was in love, I felt connected to the universe and to people around me.  I had a glimpse of what awaits me if I get my shit together.  That is what I am going to do.  I will be staying in Europe until September.  I want a strong foundation before I go back to the real world.  For now, I will continue to work on myself.  Consequence, actions, fear, and moving forward....subjects that have swirled in my mind.  A few weeks ago I knew nothing about myself in regards to these topics but by thinking about them and really breaking them down, I have matured in my approach to them.  It aids me in my recovery.  I do not want to live a fear-based life anymore.  I fear the worst, but I have lived through some horrible months/years of life, so anything I do will be better by default.  Now I just have to take the next step and after that, the next step....