Reflections
"I'll start this off with not any words,
I got so high, I scratched 'till I bled. I love myself better than you. I know its wrong, but what shall I do?" - K.C.
Life is moments, shared with people or by ourselves. We are gifted with free-will and time by the universe. What we choose to do with it makes us each our own god, which is why I believe Nietzsche said "god is dead.” Sometimes I'm blown away about the nature of addiction. It is such a cunning and stealth force to me. I mean, with all that I have been through in my life, I can recall how with each relapse, I had rationalized that perhaps I was not an addict. I learned what to do now in order to not get "carried away." How many times did I deceive myself with that bullshit. It didn't take much to get me to relapse.
Feeling pity for myself was a great gateway to relapse, as was jealously and envy. Everyone in the world has formatted themselves so elegantly and purposefully, but here I am, wandering the lands as a lone wolf, with my metaphoric long hair and beard, humming to myself, convincing myself that I am so unique, that I am an artist tortured by the cruelty that is luck, the cruelty that is my destiny in this life, as dictated by the universe. Now those sentences I just wrote there...ha!! What kind of ego do I have? What is really holding me back? What are my limitations?
When I read how a paraplegic has sailed the world on a solo trip while I'm nodding out in the basement of my house, with bottles of piss around me, that should flare up some kind of inspiration in my life. Its a great saying that "the greatest limitations in life are the one's we set on ourselves." That statement is church and I keep in mind whenever I have an obstacle in life.
No longer will I continue this pity parade party and look for another accuse to use. I say to myself that "I can't do this," which instead, I should be saying "Why can't I do this." No longer will I succumb to being alone in misery, working as a slave to my drug, having the my soul and everything that makes me who I am raped by drug addiction. Those times I would awake to gatorade piss bottles around me, I recall the stench that lingered in my room. Smelled like rain on metal along with intense body oder which made my whole living quarters reek. I must keep these memories burned brightly in my mind so I can never forget what waits for me if I make the wrong decision.
My Mouth Has Run Out of Ink
To keep a persons attention when speaking or talking or writing is rather a difficult action to perform. For example, if I am at a party with several people I want to talk about something funny or unusual that happened to me, I'm not able to get that across. A good story teller knows how to keep pace and have some type of cohesion their narrative. I'm sure it doesn't help that when I speak or write, I have an odd arrangement structure. I hate saying phrases and avoid them completely. Sometimes its difficult because it seems I blurt them out because its at the earliest level of recall on my mind, thus making its retrieval from my memory bank easy and effortless. I feel strange when it happens. I'm not sure if you can understand. For example, if someone has their birthday on facebook, you see the same message, "happy birthday" blah blah blah. When I write this, I feel that I should be saying more since automatic responses seem to not have any feeling to them. It could also all be in my head. After all, saying happy birthday is enough sometimes...or is it? I try to avoid robotic responses as much as possible. This takes its own balance though, since if you are too out there you become...yes! You know it!!!.... "that weird guy!!!"
I get bored easily and as I have been around addicts and the recovery community for a few years now, I notice that its a common sentiment. Am I the only addict that does that? I do not know why I default into a defense mode in all my conversations in the form of needing to always explain and prove whatever it is I am saying. I have a sense that no one has trust in me or in what I am saying. I pride myself on being a mysterious character, but what am I really leaving to the imagination if I spell out everything I say or do? Am trying to get a certain image across? Am I that worried that the wrong impression of me is being conveyed by how speak and the content to which I am speaking of?
Spark
Drugs were appealing to me because they are fun and also serve as an enhancement to every activity I can perform. I believed that when I was using, that it would serve as a catalyst for some kind of creative inspiration. Most of the time, I just was there as a lump of muscles with electric circuitry buzzing around....a train with the conductor asleep at the wheel. I have a warped sense of processing things. Many thoughts and notions I have, I do not know if others share it as well.
Where is that point in life where it doesn't matter what anyone says. For example, people labeled me as a strange dude because I had a different approach in life. I conduct myself differently, yes that is true. I do not want to follow the crowd. I want to lead my own way and if others are there with me on the road, then I have companions. But if not then I still have to tread away in the direction of growth, positive thinking, and hope. The reason people do not like change is that everyday is predictable. Those people who follow their dreams take the risk and have faith that as long as they are pursuing their passion, things will work out. I want to and need to believe that as long as I'm a good person, with good intentions, then I will be taken care of in the greater sense. Its called a leap of faith because you are essentially leaping into the unknown. Change, no matter how uneasy it makes me feel, is essential to my growth.
As my body and mind start to heal, I can still shake my head at some of my friends and family members who think that yelling or making me feel horrible for having an addiction was a good method to help me. I do not have time for judgmental people like that anymore, blood or no blood. I have been through so much, my tolerance for annoyance is not high. Its easy for me to pick apart people and point out the misery known as their everyday life, but I do not want to because I do not want negativity and bad karma to breed. I have wasted years of my life and time is precious. I will honor time by being as real as I can be with people.
I don't want to be around any shady people or people who feel that life owes them so they will take advantage of situations (gas attendant gives you too much money and you keep it for yourself because oil companies make so much money anyway, or you are eating with your friends at a restaurant, everyone tips high because the service was good and you take advantage by paying lower because the situation worked for your favor). No, I do not tolerate that nor do I want to be around it. I hate these situations but I also find them as a great way to teach me a lesson. You really learn about people by experiencing situations together and noting their reactions. I'm trying to be a giver. Sometimes, when I get in my guru/meditation mode, I speak in my mind the following:
Teach Not Can I,
Teacher All
Recovery Meetings
At the beginning of my attempts to live a sober life, AA was a safe place to be. I knew I would be safe for that hour. These days, I cannot dedicate myself 100% to the cause because I have a differing opinion regarding abstinence. I seldom drink and smoke pot but I want to enjoy the occasions when I do. The AA approach is either all in or nothing. That doesn't work for me.
The AA and other support groups say that if I am not abstaining from ALL substances, then relapse is a given. I would be viewed as a clean person but not a sober person. People will also point out that nothing will change in my life, I will be miserable because I’m not addressing the internal causes that AA/NA seem to focus on as the core to full recovery, which is the 12 steps. They will say I will fail because I am taking recovery in my own hands.
I will always feel judged and viewed as less than because of my view on using pot and drinking. If I try to address this to anyone who is in a support group, they feel sorry for me because "I don't get it" and that "AA will be waiting for you when you're ready." The 12 steps are an essential recovery tool but I can take what I learn from the teachings and taylor it to my own personal life. Why must this be the be-all end-all? Why are recovery meetings perceived as the only game in town?
One thing that has died in me is that feeling to please other people. At one point, I wanted to make sure everyone was my friend in all circles of my life. I had to make sure I was funny and that I was also dumb, this way, I made people feel better because I am the butt of the joke. In my mind, those were sacrifices that I were fine with making because I do not want to go on this journey of life alone.
The person I am now doesn’t give a shit about impressing people anymore or explaining myself or my actions. Be it friends or family, I’m not wasting my energy anymore being an advocate of why I’m living the way I’m living. I have a zero tolerance approach. I do not need friends or family that will always bring up the negatives I did in life. Yes, I screwed up, stop fuckin' reminding me and appreciate that right now, I am not that person. How can I grow when you keep attempting to stunt my growth...FUCK OFF!
I’m learning to stabilize my mood now that I do not use opiates whenever I am feeling uneasy. There are certain people in my life that when I am in their company, they treat me like a child or they bring up things I did in the past. I do not want to argue with these people. Its more easy for me to ignore then and let them fall away by the wayside. If I am in a good mood, being with these type of individuals really shakes the foundation I am trying to strengthen.
Perhaps I am too hard on people, but if I do not treat people like that, why is it coming back to me then? There are certain people that when I talk to on the phone, it always end up flaring anger in me, which makes me feel as if I’m not progressing in my attempt to better myself. I have to spend the entire length of the conversation explaining myself, again, and pointing out the inconstancies or inaccuracies in the other person’s assessment of me, along with their warped sense of perception.
Well, I am finished with that. I’m very comfortable living life alone without anyone. Now, is that the life I want? Of course not! I stated the key in recovery from depression and addiction is to be socially involved, albeit people that add to your character and not take away from it. Light breeds light, dark breeds dark. My relationships with people are like a piece of fruit, the rotten part of it are the people who hold me back. Once I cut away that part, I can enjoy the fruit much better. The quality of my relationships will improve based on who I chose to surround myself with. Why go through the same exhausting cycle with people who will never change? Why not dedicate time to gaining new friends or a new network that will enhance your nature?
There are friends I have now that make me question the relevance on their friendship. What am I giving them, what are they giving me? This is how I do it, I treat a person with respect, I do not judge what you did or who you are. I do not minimize your achievements. If you believe in something, I will not point out the negative side of it. If your heart is good then we can roll together, but if there is any darkness in you or your a person that doesn’t compromise or sacrifice, then I do not want to associate with you any longer. Anyway I say this, it will come across as if I am saying I am the greatest person ever and all people should model themselves after me. I am not, I am just a person that knows what he wants and knows what he doesn’t want, how is that arrogance? How is it arrogant that when am with you, I’m empowering you. This is not ass kissing or being a sycophant, I’m just being real with you. If you weren’t a good person or a quality person, we wouldn’t be together in the first place.
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| "Time sucks us closer to death with every tick. Its time for me to value, respect and honor it by valuing, respecting, and honoring myself" --self |
There are friends now that I cannot hang out with anymore because their philosophy on life differs from mine. I value time, I value making the most of my time. I need to do something productive. In the past, I tolerated the aspects of my relationships that annoyed me; i.e., bringing up the negative all the time, bringing up the past (I hate that!), being a cheap tipper, being selfish, not compromising for the sake of the situation, not valuing the preciousness of time, not keeping an open mind, etc.
It doesn’t matter, anyway I express this, it will come across as if I’m pontificating the ideal person. I’m not, this is what works for me. You will have your own life philosophy and that is neither better or worse than mine. What this does is that it makes likes attract and unlikes detach. You are who you are friends with. You are unique and I am unique, lets embrace it without being ashamed anymore or caring what anyone says. Life will be over soon and on your deathbed, you may realize how trivial and meaningless this all is. I do not want to die and as I am dying, wish that I did this or that. I want to do the most I can and experience all that I can...the good, the bad, and the ugly, because its what make me who I am. My goal in life is to learn and with every sunrise, I plan to do better than yesterday.
Let me get back on track here (perfect example of going on a tangent, I'm also like this in conversations in real life). AA gave me hope and made me connect with some people that are very important to me now. I'm glad that people have changed their lives and have dug out of the pit of active addiction. I respect whatever they are doing now, as long as the end-result is the same. Why can I not get that in return?
I will still go to meetings occasionally and not voice my discontent with the people who live and breathe AA, because if I did, then I would be like one of those people I was describing above. As I said before, why do I have to spend my energy on making convincing people either this or that? What I am going to do is live my life and for those who will judge me , then it is a good indicator of people who are useless to my life journey. I will butcher the fat from the meat and be done with it.
Omg,you are writing my thoughts
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