So about 2 years ago, a friend of mine had complimentary tickets on an Greek Island yacht cruise. At this point in my life, I had lost my job, my apartment, and I was in debt. I was living with mom and dad (gotta love your parents, I can cry now just thinking about what a disappointment I am to them). My friend didn't know the extent of my heroin addiction at that time. I was only snorting at this point. Of course, this is a situation an addict dreads but every now and then, it happens. I was going to be away with no source. I have never had a problem scoring drugs in my life...coke is everywhere and so is pot, but these are (more or less) socially tolerable drugs. Prior to becoming a heroin addict, I always loved the challenge of scoring in a different country, picking up nuances that let you know "hey, I'm that guy, what you need?"
Heroin is different though. The former mentioned drugs, I can live with or without. My world will not fall apart if I don't have blow or I'm not smoking pot, but if I am 12 to 18 hours without an opiate in my body, its approaching midnight on the doomsday clock. I have never had luck scoring heroin outside the U.S. Unless I'm going to SouthEast Asia, I will be shit out of luck. In the time before I was set to leave, I was brainstorming ways to smuggle my needed drugs with me. I was leaving for about 10 days, and my plan was to ween off heroin in the first 5 days, and then have a mild withdrawal. So I bought about a brick worth of heroin and I also decided to bring some coke since...well....why not?Prior to going through security, I thought to myself that if I were to get caught, I would be fucked royally. In my head, I would let them know the truth. I'm not a criminal, I do not want to sell this, but this is my medicine, for better or worse (minus the coke). By a miracle of God, I made it past security and celebrated. I told my friend "look at me, I'm so fuckin cool." Yes, I'm a real hero aren't I? I did a lot more than I should have, prior to getting on the flight. The coke was all gone (I didn't really bring that much with me) and the heroin had a nice dent in it. Damn, that airplane ride I did not remember a thing besides that it was so comfortable. I must have watched the same movie about 4 times because I kept nodding out for half hour chunks. I'm getting triggered just writing this actually.
So the heroin did not last me 5 days, I ripped through it in 2 days thinking that I want to get this shit over with. My vacation was hell. I was without hope, without help, emotionally fucked up, and physically weak. It really hit me how much of an addict I am. I saw families together, couples, and all sorts of life. I saw people smiling and laughing and I felt jealous. That is all I ever wanted in life. To be truly happy, to laugh honestly and from my soul and not live this theatrical farce I was starring in. I will never have a family or someone to love. I will never be happy or smile or laugh. I will live in a limbo state of misery and comfortable misery until I die. This is how I used to think. Sometimes I still think like that. Right now, I have a lot of clean time, granted with the help of suboxone, but I consider it clean time. But my mind has been fantasizing about using for about 2 weeks now. I am very scared that its a matter of when and not if. Please understand, its the greatest paradox of all. I want to stop and be pure and whole again, but the emptiness and loneliness and the purposefulness is a void that is too much. Even with suboxone and wellbutrin, I feel isolated and alone.
It doesn't matter where I travel to, what "paradise" I am in, where ever I go, if I take my addiction with me, the world is black, and death suffocates my soul slowly and slowly. As soon as I made it back to the States, in a matter of hours, I was able to cop more dope. This is truly an amazing drug. How can it do so much damage but I keep going to it again and again? How many time in life do I wish I never had tried opiates? Because of it, its ruined my life. I can never live a normal life again. Even if I am sober until I die, there is always that whispering voice in my head that tells me "just once." How strong can I be? How can I fight this forever? I feel quite sad and alone today, I thought this would help, but it hasn't. Sometimes music helps...today I'm listening to Kool G Rap. Check out the lyrics to this. Quite a masterpiece: Song about the struggles of all types of addictions
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