Below is how Heroin is marketed...stamp names so you know who hasthe best dope around so when you come back you ask for it by name. I like the ones that say thingslike "RIP" or "Lethal Injection." Its dark humor at its finest.
When I fall into this trap, I have people around me that tell me that I should stop feeling pity for myself. It's very easy to say "move on" but the losses are devastating. Over the course of a few years, I lost everything that meant anything to me, from personal possessions to life long friendships to respect in the business community. All of it shot down. Stealing from family and going to pawn shops, I would never think that was me. I was rationalizing my use like this: I do not party or go out, I like to be educated, hang out with people who are liked minded, do volunteer on the weekends, and help out any friends or family that needed me on some weekends. I was also in graduate school. Why can't I have an addiction if it makes me a better person? I should feel great now but honestly I don't sometimes. Perhaps I lost too much of myself using to ever go back to a normal life? Its like at the end of Lord of the Rings, the hobbit couldn't go back to his village, not after all he has seen and done.
Okay, perhaps a bit melodramatic but the truth of it is, that these fucking urges are annoying. I should realize what hell this took me too, but even with that acknowledgment, there is a urge to want to enter that world again. The process of the preparation of the needle and the injection followed by instant relief is burned on my mind so heavy. Why can I not remember the days of having no home, no money to eat, shitting myself, crying day and night, and so on...Instead, I engage in the behavior of day dreaming about using.
Its very defeating sometimes to think like this all the time. This can't be the way I will live my life, can it? To always have to be on the defense? Some say stay on suboxone for life but I rather not, even the 6 months or so I have been on it, I think its too much. I am slowly tapering off that but I notice now that the cravings and urges have come back because my dose is getting lower and lower.
Is regret a trigger for me? No its not, its just adds wood the my self-pity fire. Somedays I just wake up so depressed because I had it all and lost it. Whats worse is the lingering feeling of wanting to use again. How could I think like that? Why do I still think these things? Will they ever leave me or is it here for life? How can I be strong and on the defense forever? How I stay sober is that I exercise daily, whether its biking or walking. I also do yoga and I try to do at least one or two meetings per weeks. I did mention that the NA AA doesn't work for me, as a be all end all, but I take what I gain from the meetings. It is a supplement to my recovery but not a primary component. Again, this is how my recovery works, for many, they would say that I'm struggling but people should do what is in their best interest in hopes to remain sober from their drug of choice. Its only been tempting me this past couple of weeks. I then google heroin news in the towns I use to cop in, and then these stupid message boards where people review heroin stamps. I mean, no wonder this is happening but I feel helpless and hopeless some time.
I am leaving in a few months to go back to the US and I am glad I feel this now, I have to make sure by the time I leave for home again, I'm as solid as I can be because if this was how I would feel if I were at home, it would be only a matter of time...what a sad, pathetic, and hard life I have given birth too. Where is my reprieve?
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