No Worries - Keep Living - Keep Loving

I Dreamed Of Your Love And It Hurt 

Drug dreams are terrible.  Imagine starting your day after waking up with your heart beating out of your chest.  In my dream, I was working at a factory that was delivering shoe boxes of heroin and on a particular delivery, there was some left overs and the boss let me take some home.  Because of the way dreams bleed into other atmospheres, I was then in a parking lot where a man driving had stopped and asked me directions to get somewhere.  He had just won a lot of money at a casino and he wanted to get home, but take the local way.  I then gave him directions to get to where he had to.  Then in the final part of my dream, I was in my parents house getting some money to go use.  

One barrier I have for recovery is that I cannot seem to be in the moment when I am clear headed.  I just do not have any steam in my engine.  I've heard heroin got its name because it makes you a super powered version of yourself, a hero actually.  A hero within...not sure where I heard that but I guess its true.  I just want to use in order to function.   I don't want to nod out into the couch or become disconnected from the world, I just want to do enough where it gives me that boost to do what needs to be done in life.  I am relentlessly searching to see how people are successful addicts but I don't seem to have any luck.  I know that there are people on this earth who will live a long life, be productive and have an addiction, I just think I can be that person.  I don't want to be that person but I also want to.  I am not sure what I want.  I want the pleasure that the drug brings you minus the pain it brings you.  I'm so convinced that I could get it right this time if I had another chance, but I've been through this before, I know what the outcome will be.

I just have to change my fantasy of using and not dwelling on it.   I'm a fucking idiot, watching documentaries on heroin or going to subreddits on opiates are just gigantic triggers.  What a fool I am to think I can watch something horrible to help with my recovery.  This is how fucked up it is, I can see the homelessness and misery of each addict in these documentaries, and all I think is how dreamy it would be to plunge and push some pleasure into my body.  God, how long will this misery go on?

My GPS Location, Recovery Wise Post-Date Rape

I am almost off my sub, I have a few days to go before I'm completely off of it, then the withdrawals from that will hit me.  I will have a week to myself to get through it.  I know I can.  Once you been through a cold turkey withdrawal, anything in life is fuckin possible.  If you gave me the choice to jump in an ocean in winter or leap from one building to the next with no safety net or have someone drill screws or hammer nails on my body, I would do all that rather than go through a cold turkey withdrawal.  Fuck, its funny how the people in my life who think quitting is so easy never will know (and I hope to god they never know) how it feels to crawl back to the side of sobriety.

In about 2 months, I will be back in the states and I will be all alone, no support, living on my own.  That is something I fear big time.  I know I have to keep myself busy and pray to the universe I land a career job and then a part time job.  I rather work 7 days a week and only sleep for the first year or two coming up than to have any free time.  

Of course, one can say just go on maintenance like methadone or suboxone for life.  Yes, that works for some but I don't want to have anything in my body like that anymore.  I could use suboxone for life and then take heroin holidays, like every weekend, and never get sick or become full blown junkie but I feel that something is not right about that.  I believe in drug experimentation and bending the mind and going into the cosmos, but I chose the wrong tools.  Coke, crack, heroin....these are not spiritual seeking or rewarding drugs.  Just the contrary, they tap into your reptilian core to make you a horrible selfish animal.  During my hay day, there was no limit to what I would do to score.  I did everything but prostitution, which I think I would have maybe...and I stress big maybe, considered but I have intimacy issues so forget that.  I don't like even being touched at times but that is a story I'll save for the therapists office.  Doing dope raped the innocence and spirituality from my body.  Thats why I find it so hard now to have faith in the universe or to believe in the spiritual light of life.  I guess it will take time to get there again.   Doing dope will only take me a step back at this point.  Fuck that.  I should take up boxing or something, I need to have my drug use personified so I can beat the shit out of it.

Right now, my wellbutrin script is almost done and I won't refill it.  My suboxone will be done.  The only thing I will continue to use is 5-htp.  Really, its a miracle this exists.  I'm keeping myself busy by reading and working on some resumes.  I am trying to stay out of my head as much as possible.  Life is perfect, beautiful, hopeful and I am so lucky and loved...I just wished I realized this more than not...I just wish I could be connected again.   Moving forward I go, whether I am kicking and screaming, but I am moving forward.  No more can I drift to thoughts of using or thinking about ways to be a functioning addict.


Bright Sun

I'm going to be going to my first withdrawal experience from suboxone so the next week should be fun...I'm going to stay positive and even though I may not feel like doing anything, I will force myself to exercise and move my body.  No more of this laying around bullshit.  Its time to see what this world looks like...its time to be whole again.